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Dear Friend....
Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dear Friend,

I was just thinking that isn't it funny how life doesn't turn out how you thought it would. Even more specifically how things you don't see coming slap you right between the eyes. I find myself laughing over things I never would expect to laugh over. The most rent example is the total lack of good guys in my life. I go from having a good relationship (or so I though and lots of self-deluding with that) to finding out what a horrible person he is, only to follow that up with a very nice guy I am pretty sure is gay. I suppose the nearly twenty or so dates without so much as a kiss should have been a clue. But we both know I am not the best a picking up on the hints. Hello, the previously mentioned relationship should have filled that quota. To add insult to injury, I do find a very nice guy only to realize that he is totally and completely not the guy for me. I could not find a more unsuitable person for myself. But truth be told, the home cooked dinners and compliments are a nice bonus in spite of all the other stuff. And just to kick a girl when she is down, I have learned that friends can surprise you in not so good ways and that some of those surprises can be overcome while others cannot.

So to sum up dear friend, life has shown me what the inside of the crapper looks like. I laugh because that is all one can do these days. All in all, I cannot really complain since my family is good and I do have good friends to talk to at the end of the day. Many of these things I find amusing. Actually I spend the last hour piecing things about each one of the mentioned guys together to make the perfect guy. Luckily enough I made him mute.

Talk to you soon,
Your living in a crapper friend in Kentucky

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posted by Sonya @ 6/25/2009 03:14:00 PM, ,




How I Spend My Nights...
Thursday, January 31, 2008

When all the world sleeps...I think about all that is possible. As the pattern of late, sleep eludes me. Not just a night here and there...but every night. This new custom leaves me tired, yet provides so much time for the thoughts I seem to never ponder. As many may know of me, I strive on organization. Not just a stack of papers here or there, but full fledged labels and straight edges. It just seems to make my world work as it should. So, I will confess that the many sleepless nights have lead me to organize the lab mentally since my advisor fights me in reality. If he only knew what he is up against now. With so many hours to plan and thwart his resistance...he doesn't stand a chance.

After the many hours of planning of late, the last few nights have lead to the complete remodel of my back room which houses all the research organisms. And so one might not think that I have research in mind, it also lead to many new and innovative ideas as to make projects more efficient. The undergraduates are very pleased these last few days. You might wonder where I have time to accomplish all of this, well...there is no reason to rush home since sleep eludes me, I have many hours to put these thoughts into action.

So, to keep tally so far...Back room complete, middle room started, other experimental room underway, actual lab which will cause advisor heart attack...just started...baby steps...but all will come soon enough.

Truth be told...I worry what I will do once I have accomplished all that I have mentally planned these last few days. I suppose there is always data analysis, but that is not nearly rewarding as moving around rooms and righting chaos into organization.

I revel in all that I have accomplished these few days. I cannot express how hard it has been to move things slowly as to not upset advisor. You may think that I exaggerate, but those in the lab know differently. One example that many of us will never forget (or my advisor since I tease him) is the time I only moved a single bucket in middle room to clear a place to walk. The said bucket of interest contained sand and truthfully only made a journey from the floor straight up and placed on top of the refrigerator. This bucket literally only moved 4 feet vertically. However, upon walking in this room, said advisor yells loudly and rushes to the place this bucket had been only moments before. Advisor questions emotionally to the location of said bucket..and all I had to do was point. I have never laughed so hard and we joked for so long about the gold that must be hidden in the sand. Why else would someone become so passionte over a bucket of sand?

Thus, you must now realize the wall of what I am up against. Each step is met with resistance....with me knowing that only if he could see what I can do...he would be very happy. This has been a slow process, which is finally making a differece. Tonight, I cleaned and condensed half the lab...and grudgenly, advisor admitted it looks good, as well as, although he has some panic as to the things moved, most are close to the original location. This is a great start...

I will now let you in on my devious plan. You see, this is how you get them lulled into a false sense of security. One cannot change the world in a single night (and I think that convincing advisor to reorganize might actually be harder)!

So for those of you that wonder where the progress of my research fits into all of this work...I say...never you mind...it is next on the agenda. First, the impossible...while simultaneously preventing heart attack of advisor.

I am woman...you better watch out before I label your socks....

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posted by Sonya @ 1/31/2008 10:34:00 PM, ,




Spite
Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Yes Spite.

I have those moments, maybe more than others that I wait for the opportunity to return a favor bestowed upon me. I am not proud, though I do laugh over my many little spiteful moments, that I feel the need to in some way even the score. These are not horrible things that one would notice. More just my way of standing on the sidelines and smiling at something small.

Yes, it may be petty but they asked for it. One such occasion occurred in the past. My roommate was a very interesting girl. I was living in a neighborhood where I did not fit in at all (piece of rice in the raisin box) and you could say that I stood out. Well, my dear roommate liked to point out how I wasn't and had never dated a raisin. This really made me popular in the neighborhood. Along with the many uncomfortable comments by my dear roommate, I also came to realise that she had been stealing from me (money, parking pass, etc.). I confronted her, we had our fights, she blocked all my calls and forgot to tell when my friends and family called. This lead to more fights, more drama and I was getting nowhere. Thus, life was pretty unbearable. But, dear stupid roommate made a very careless error. She was stupid enough to date multiple guys while still having a boyfriend from where she was from. Yes, the golden ticket.

The dilemma, how to 'accidentally' set the trap. The idea came just out of nowhere at the right moment, with the fateful phone call. Said roommate was not home one afternoon and boyfriend called. I nicely asked each of guys names that she was currently dating, trying innocently to identify the caller. Oh yes, score one for the good guys.

As you can imagine this sparked some fights, between said boyfriend and her, and of course between her and I. But, luckily being the mature person that I am, OK...well maybe not, tried to keep the peace but hide my things. We spent many more months like this, with her still being the same and doing the same things and me being angry over the drama. Weeks later we were in the same position as earlier and she had a whole new group of guys. This is where things became interesting, golden ticket number 2. Will she never learn?

While said roommate was out, a few of the boys called to see if she was home. I kindly explained that she would be back soon and told them (yes, all of them) that she said that they should feel free to stop over around 6 to see her. I was so surprised (and so was she) when 5 of her men all showed up. The funny part is that they showed up one by one and didn't know what to say or do so they just all came in, sat and watched TV together. No one talked. Now, that was an awkward evening (for her and them...obviously not me!). I sat out there with them and smiled, trying to carry on polite conversation. They were so rude!

So, as you can see, I tend not to scream, yell and carrying on with the drama. I feel that one should sit back and view the situation to find the best solution. I am sure there is a prophet or something out there somewhere that would suggest this very thing. I am sure this is what they meant.

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posted by Sonya @ 9/26/2007 09:16:00 AM, ,




The "O" Model of Actions
Friday, September 21, 2007

INTRODUCTION
Well, Yesterday's seminar here in the Biology Department had the potential to be very interesting. But as you can probably guess, it was big on the boring side. The talk seemed like it was going to be interesting since it was concerning Polar Bear Survival in the melting ice environment. The talk started out interesting enough but lost my attention around minute 30. However, do not despair, we always find ways to entertain ourselves. It is not surprising to the others in 'the sharks' that Dr. Labcoat nicely passed the time for us. It is based upon his 'actions' that we have devised the 'O' Model of Actions.

Dr. Labcoat is a pretentious windbag that spends more bragging about himself and how great he is than actually getting any work done or helping his graduate students. It was during a previous seminar that we noticed that Dr. Labcoat likes to perform certain 'actions' on a regular basis. And by actions I am including nose picking, teeth picking, ear cleaning, scanning of the crowd and the ever so often crotch adjustments. Now, you may think that everyone does a wipe here or there. Casual cases such as these are not considered in the model. We have designed the model based upon intensity of such actions, so as not to contaminate the pool of data. Specifically, only data points clearly showing an 'action' are used as a representative of the data sample pool.

MATERIAL AND METHODS
To understand the model fully, we have counted such actions over a set time period and will conduct statistics to gain a more comprehensive view of total actions within the entire seminar period. We do this for two reasons (1) I paid attention to the first half of the seminar, (2) Because the study subject might notice us staring at him and see my continuous giggling into the sleeve of my shirt. Thus, the data gathered will represent 20 minutes of the observational trial.

RESULTS
Actions:
Nose Pick ( 19 )
Crowd Scan ( 11 )
Crotch Adjustment ( 2 )
Head Scratches ( 3 )
Ear Picks ( 3 )
Teeth Picks ( 3 )
Crappy Jokes ( 1 )


The Model:
(# of nose picks - ear picks)/crowd scanning = the 'O' factor coefficient
(# crotch adjustments - # head scratches) / # crappy jokes = the 'Z' factor coefficient

[(# teeth picks)('O' factor coefficient)('Z' factor coefficient) / time (min) ] = 'O' Model of Actions

Graphical Statistical Analysis
# of nose picks over time of seminar shows an exponential increase with time.

DISCUSSION
Simple summary suggests that:
Dr. Labcoat had 57 picks in an hour totaling almost a pick a minute, with a head scratch and ear/teeth pick every twenty minutes. Luckily, we will be treated to less than 2 crappy jokes within the seminar, but he will notice us laughing at him about every 5 minutes during his crowd scans.

Thus, it can be concluded that Dr. Labcoat is disgusting, yet entertaining during seminar time. Future research will examine if self-awareness occurs during such actions in future seminar.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Actin, Other Graduate Student New to Study and past "shark" members present in spirit.

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posted by Sonya @ 9/21/2007 02:10:00 PM, ,




The nerd competiton?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007

I can honestly say that I have always known that I was not quite in the 'cool' category. Although, I still think I was just misunderstood and possibly a late bloomer in the cool department...and yet, re-reading has made me thing that I could have possibly been wrong...

Our conversation seems to be a fight for the top spot in the nerd ratings...funny enough...I think I won this battle, but he seems to definitely be winning the war...'Him' it's all yours!!

HIM: I really enjoy your wit and smarts and various other "skills." You seem like a great person, despite your off the chart level of nerdiness...

ME: Thanks much...nice to see that you can hold your own....your wit is impressive. Despite nerdiness....what?.....maybe you should go back and look at your level...anyone with low levels would think you were speaking a foreign language...you should be grateful that someone understands you.....

HIM: Flattery will get you nowhere...If you don't stab yourself or others, email me back.

ME: I know you are the typical boy that gets all giggly over a compliment and runs home to write it in your diary. I see right through you buster....no fooling me....I'm in college remember....I know everything!! (mental note: Hey, I wonder if that's why no one likes me???).

HIM: Remember 2 things: everyone likes you (think positive) because you are a "special" person. Second, I haven't giggled in a long time...like 2 weeks - so there.

ME: OK..here at nerd camp...we strive to out due one nerdy event with the next. Last night tops the charts. To have a social gathering, we must make it an event. So how could we make nerd camp more nerdy? Well I am sure you came up with many ideas...but probably not has good as what took place. A ball you say....why yes we did have a ball. Now this wasn't just any ordinary ball, it was a costume ball. What? How could that be nerdy? Well, I'll tell you. This ball was not just an ordinary costume ball, it was an invertebrate costume ball....yep, you heard me right. We had to dress up as our favorite invertebrate (no vertebrates allowed at all) and then had a costume contest. Well our lab is more the partiers and not so much the costume type so we just all went as sea slugs and got it over with. We just needed to get into the door...we were not aiming for an prizes. Many many interesting things occurred last night. Anyway, I can honestly say that I was way, way out-nerded by these people. Don't get me wrong, I love science, but my god, these people need to get a hobby once and a while.

HIM: Wow - I think you just broke my nerd sensor. I need a moment to gather myself.
Oh, the nerdiness - a Sea Slug ball - where was the video camera and why am I not watching this on YouTube right now???!! I love how you try to make the distinction between the "other" nerds and yourself - I'm not buying it. I'm really amused by all the inter-partner drama, set against the international backdrop of reckless love - if Brazil and Germany can get together, then there is hope for the rest of the world!

ME: I thought you might enjoy that piece of news...as for the separating myself....yes...there different classes in one big category....because I said so...
The ball....well, it is a good thing that there were no video camera's...I might never live that one down if there had been. Thank god for small miracles. It was quite an amusing night. The talk is still at a heightened level here at nerd camp about the things seen at the ball. Oh, boy do we need lives....

HIM: Back to my nerdiness, unfortunately, I would be one the dancing nerds - I'm not much of a fast-tempo dancer - Slow dancing I'm great at (because there isn't much to do) - I learned how to waltz at one time - I'm such an old man...I'm going to get my walker now and watch Matlock.

ME: It might be hard for you to move around with that cane, old man...and luckily they ALWAYS play Matlock episodes....don't worry, well get you some Dr. Scholls inserts for comfort and tape up all your joints before you attempt anything so daring as dancing..

HIM: You know, you should be ashamed of yourself for not having at least 3 kids by now...you're setting back women's progress everywhere...

ME: First of all, I am only one woman trying to hold the world together...a little help would be nice...always first to point out the faults....but never willing to help a girl out...It's because I'm white isn't it?...damn! FYI, your clear lack of compassion of my situation makes baby Jesus cry-shame on you-

Furthermore, with the part of the population that is having the most kids, our children's children don't stand a chance of spelling their own name in the future...so there...don't think it will be all my fault...we'll be lucky if some will be able to spell democracy.....

HIM: By the way, Rambo 4 is on the way to theaters (I think in the fall/winter of this year). You see, we have to look at 80's action movies as symbolic of the time period in which they were made. For example, in Rambo 2 or 3 (they're pretty much the same movie), Rambo teams up with an upstart group of "freedom fighters" to fight the Soviets in Afghanistan. Rambo teaches them the art of fighting and blowing stuff up - Now, these same "freedom fighters" are the ones launching rockets at American and NATO soldiers today. Rambo was just boldly predicting the vicious cycle created by American foreign policy. Its' foreshadowing of our current global troubles is just staggering. Right? And this isn't a justification to support a movie where stuff gets "blowed up real good."

ME: Interesting connection you made with the Rambo movies and current politics/strategy. I see something here...maybe we should not release the next one...we might be giving to much away. Possibly a Rambo film where he makes cookies for all the orphans and nits afghans all day?? That should get those guys launching the shoulder missiles to relax for a while. "Blowed up real good" bad....nice new hats for the villagers good...

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posted by Sonya @ 8/01/2007 11:41:00 AM, ,




The abuse...and a history lesson?
Monday, July 30, 2007

It is not often that I find someone that can write those sweet words to match my humor. But when I do, there is never a dull moment...

ME: Today was sort of productive. We are starting the new project and this is the hard part. Collecting data takes about one day but setting up takes about 8 or 9 very long and frustrating days of nothing. The odds are not in our favor at this very moment. The brain is small, the nerves are even smaller and the tips of our electrodes keep breaking...ahhhhhhh

HIM: I didn't realize the time you put in - is poking the brain for 7 hours common? Can you do this for a long time, then suddenly have brain activity (both you and the specimen...)? Can you use any of yesterday's work in your project? And yes, you are very "special" in my book. I've been trying to tell you that...

How was your Friday work? Success? Did you match wits with your animal? (You can tell me if the animal won...don't be ashamed.) And ego? A whole new area of material for me - can't wait...

ME: So, as it stands...animal 5....people 0. I am optimistic though...I think the animal will get to about 10. To make it more clear...yes, the sea slug is winning and looks like they might win the war as well as the battle. My wits are soooo lacking at this point in time..sniffle, sniffle....

HIM: Where to begin??? Ego, people laughing at you, therapy, beaten by animals - you're like the gift that keeps on giving...First, the cheap shot - Trust me, they won't be laughing at you because of your research. Anyway, I think perhaps you need some backup in your Sea Slug War - maybe get the military involved? We'll work on a proposal, something involving terrorism, freedom and instruments of mass destruction (electrodes and stressed out Ph.D. students?). I'll script a letter to Dick Cheney - maybe you should put a turban on your slugs - Wow, way off the subject...

I like the hypothetical approach to education - This is what "could have" happened...Very fun...you're starting to sound like a Humanities major...Rushing slugs - sounds like a band name...

ME: I think you might be right about getting the military involved...it is a necessary action...plus, I heard from a friend of a friend who has a brother and they know this guys uncle next door neighbors, second cousin twice removed by marriage, rides the bus with this guy that thinks he says that they had WMDs. It's time to bring in the forces and wipe Rhode Island off the map. I am pretty sure they are involved. Speaking of turbans....I am pretty sure I saw all the slugs getting to together doing chants and stuff. It looked pretty serious...I'll let you know more if they intend to fly..then we have a real issue. I would probably hold off on the letter to Dick Cheney though ...he only reads them if you mention oil and as it turns out...my oil well just dried up....I am no longer a powerful biologist... Even though I plan on saving all of human kind in the very near future...I am not an influential person at this very moment....White girls never get a break in this country...Damn!

HIM: I totally forgot about the oil connection - we may need to re-focus on animal excretions as fuel - it could be an untapped cash source - maybe that will bring the big guns in to invade - eventually, there could be a new American embassy with your name on it. I do have to call you out on playing the race card again - that will only get you so far - and it's not helping the country or Jesus, who is now crying....Good job, Whitey.

ME: I am ashamed that you forgot about the oil connection...I knew you were in with those people...I suspected you were only playing at being one of the 'others' but I see that you are one of those people always trying to take the little green spots left on this planet for your own use....admit it....I'm waiting!!!

Of course I am going to use the race card and ride that wave all the way in....hello....when you go through the hardships that I do just because I'm a woman and because I'm white, you would use it too... I can never get a cab to stop, everyone grabs onto their purse when I walk by and never, never will people give up their seat for me....this has to stop...oh the injustice (as she puts the back of her hand on her forehead)....

Now that you have suggested a band name, I am currently trying to get a band together. I figure with 2 Indians (dot not feathers) and American and possibly a Chinese, we should have a good shot at a record deal. Although, we still have one minor issue...none of play instruments!

HIM: I like your idea for an international band, but I do feel offended that you chose not to represent a Native American, or "feathers", as you casually labeled this proud race. I think on behalf of America and Jesus, you should issue an apology to all the Indians living and dead, especially those who fought and died in the Crusades...I'm horrified and shocked by your ignorance...

ME: Well being discriminated against white girl...I do not feel the need to make all the feathers feel better. They get everything in this country...free land and plenty of booze. Hell, they even have all the casino that they could want....so there! And by the way, Jesus says he understands. He also said that he does NOT talk to Bush and he thinks he needs to stop lying. He also said Cheney was drunk when he shot that guy and that someone needs to say something. And yes, he thinks the feather thing is funny....that's why he told them to put on in their head thing all those years ago. I agreed...it was a good one.

HIM: Remember, the natives didn't always have casinos. I think the first one opened in the 1600's - it was named after Abraham Lincoln, who freed the Natives from the English. But the white men always won at craps, so the Natives had to pray to Jesus, the God of chance, for help. But it didn't rain for months, so the casinos couldn't grow and many of the children died of AIDS. Perhaps you should devote more time to studying history and stop embarrassing yourself.

ME: I don't know what history books you are reading, but the ones that I read in school specifically lays out that Abraham Lincoln went to those casinos...actually the cherry tree was inside the lobby and that's why chopping it down was such a big deal...It was their favorite cherry tree and they used the cherries to make cocktails in the evening. Maybe should open up that history book again Mr. English major. Furthermore, it was the Eskimos that were oppressing the natives...they got sick of all the cold weather and were looking to take over their lands....big fight and then Lincoln came in and freed them....Duh! Why do you think that the Eskimos never smile in any of the pictures...they are still mad. Geez...teaching you is exhausting!

HIM: Do not challenge my history skills! How dare you?? I happen to be a Native Indian/Eskimo scholar. It just so happens that during the Revolutionary War in 1900, George Washington introduced the fruits of the cherry tree to the Eskimos, who then bartered with the French, specifically Napoleon and Custer, trading their cherries for lesser quality cherries. This is where the term custard pie originated, because the Eskimos kept rubbing the cherries on their faces in order to stay warm...The French gave the Indians turbans and small pox, and made them move to next to Pakistan, but everyone still made fun of the Eskimos' stained faces, which led to the creation of the Astrodome, which was a tribute to the Eskimos' igloos. But the joke was on the Eskimos, when they didn't play hockey there.

Damn Eskimos.

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posted by Sonya @ 7/30/2007 12:25:00 PM, ,




MasterCard Commerical???
Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I received this email and thought I should share it. It is based upon a true story and really is priceless.... You've got to love this guy.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a Microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new Father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"....then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"....Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's.....MASTERCARD!

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posted by Sonya @ 5/15/2007 03:04:00 PM, ,




You Know Who You Are!
Friday, May 11, 2007

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posted by Sonya @ 5/11/2007 11:45:00 AM, ,




Quote of the Day....
Friday, April 27, 2007

There is nothing that I think is more true than this by Aristotle:

"Wit is educated insolence."


Wit is a way of getting your thoughts across in an effective, yet subtle way. I do believe it is a talent that many do not have or possess the understanding for. For those of you, I am truly sorry, your life must be boring.

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posted by Sonya @ 4/27/2007 08:43:00 AM, ,




The Secret.....
Monday, March 19, 2007

Summer was finally here. She was so excited. It was time for skirts and dresses and the ultimate test of will, the bathing suit. After so many years of not looking ‘good’ she was finally ready for the ‘new’ her. This was going to be her summer where she could finally show off all her hard work for all to see. Of course, she was going to take small baby steps of showing off to the world. After all, she has never been one to ‘those’ girls.

That warm spring day, she puts on her new skirt. It fits perfect. She feels so great in her beautiful new spring yellow skirt that really accents her figure. To go with this new favorite skirt, she wears a brand new white and yellow tank top with the neck going lower than anything she has ever worn but not showing too much at all. In all actuality, it is still modest by most of the world’s standards. But she loves it and feels great. Today is going to be a great day. Now is the moment where she is leaping into the unknown. She is about to do something she has never done before. She checks herself in the mirror and finally makes the decision that she is so worried about. Just the thought makes her blush. She is firm with herself, no chickening out, she is going to do it. She is going to wear thongs. The underwear line just takes away from the skirt and she has worked to hard for it to look like this. She is taking the plunge. Inwardly smiling, she pulls out those thongs she bought to be ‘naughty’ but never had the guts to wear. She smiles to herself, and snickers every time she imagines sitting down in those and losing the strip of cloth forever. She giggles, if anyone could hear her thoughts, she’d be so embarrassed. She often imagined herself joking with people saying she was ‘flossing’ right now and no one even knew it. That one always made her giggle, sometimes even out loud.

Ok she says out loud and holds them up. She is going to do it this time. This is almost as risky as taking the plunge off the cliff wondering if your parachute was going to open. And yet, this is different. She knows that no one will know. This is definelty safer. It will be a secret, some how finding comfort in that. It will be her little secret that she can smile about all day. This is one of her things that scare her and she is going to do it this time. She worries of course. This is dangerous stuff for her. What if it chafes or becomes uncomfortable. It’s not like you can just adjust it and all is better. No, she tells herself, we are going to do this. My skirt is beautiful, the sky is beautiful and this day is going to be good. I am going to wear my new heels that will look so good with this outfit and I am going to look radiant. Besides, no one will know my little secret which will make it all better.

She slips them on and says the feeling will go away when she gets used to them. Now, she focuses on putting on the shoes and doing a once check over in the mirror. Perfect. She inwardly beams and admits to herself that today is going to be great. A perfect day of shopping with some friends, lunch out in this beautiful weather where all the locals go to see and be seen. She was going to impress and be remembered today. That was just how it was going to be.

Time to go. She grabs her cute little purse to go with the already perfect outfit, checked to make sure she had her keys and wallet and locked the door to have a wonderful day. The drive in her car with the sunroof open and all her favorite songs playing just further proved this day was going to be great. A few minutes later, she pulls up to where her friends are waiting. They all comment on her new style and she beams. They spend the next hour shopping and having so much fun she hopes this day doesn’t end. They all agree it is lunch time and off they go to the trendiest place full of guys that couldn't be any cuter if she asked. They sit at an outside table surrounded by people talking and laughing the afternoon away. She is happy. Even her little secret is turning out to be perfect. She looks great and is doing the daring thing she has always wanted to do and no one knows it. That is the best of all.

She sits with her friends and they sip drinks in the warm afternoon. But of course after many glasses of water, nature is calling. This is actually a good thing she thinks, since she can now go and strut her stuff in front of all those men she had her eye on. She gets up, confidence high and makes her way to the bathroom. That done, on her way out she checks her makeup in the small mirror above the sink. Everything is perfect. Today is great. She quickly smoothes down her skirt, making sure its not all wrinkled in the front. Nope, looks good. Now it’s time to strut her stuff again. She even has this new little walk that shows off her legs nicely. They are going to notice and this makes her smiles. Here we go.

She steps out and starts to walk through the restaurant. She happily notices that they are turning to look at her as she walks by. More importantly, they are smiling and staring at her. She smiles back and gives a little wave. Now she is floating. This is what she has been waiting all day for. Every man in the room is watching her walk away with a big grin on his face. They want her and she knows it. Yes, she is going to be remembered by these men. So just to show them what they are missing she sways her hips a little more as she walks back out to her friends. As she turns back to the way she came, she notices that a few of the men have even leaned out the door to look at her some more. Yep, she’s that good. Mentally she is patting herself on the back. Oh yeah, they want her.

She approaches the table and walks around to her seat. All of a sudden her best friend jumps up and runs over to where she is standing. She just knows her friend is going to talk about all the men watching her walk away. Now is time to gloat, after all she deserves it. Today is her day. With that big grin on her face, she is about to tell them the incredible moments she experienced, but her best friend plasters herself behind her. Now that is strange. She calmly asks what she is doing, and her friend leans in and says….

“Honey, now don’t freak out, but you skirt is tucked in your thongs and you just walked through a bar full of men showing off your butt cheeks. And I mean showing off. The skirt was bunched up and really gave a nice view.”

This was horror. Not only did she just let the world know she was wearing thongs, but she had strutted and smiled, Oh my, she had even waved. And all that time, she didn’t know that she was giving a show for free. That was definitely going to be a day they’d all remember…..for all the wrong reasons….damn……so much for her secret. Not so secret anymore.

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posted by Sonya @ 3/19/2007 07:58:00 AM, ,




The Signs.....
Sunday, March 18, 2007

Your sitting in the library wasting time not doing anything important. You see her across the room. She's kinda cute, someone you'd look at twice. For the last few minutes, you've gotten the feeling that she has been glancing up at you every so often. At first, you wondered if she was really looking at you, but now you are sure. Over and over again she glances your way. You now know that she wants you to walk over to her and use one of your smooth lines. You're going to make her swoon but catch her before she falls. You now mentally ready yourself -- oh there she goes again, she checked you out.

Your getting ready to make your move. But first, you check your hair, smooth your eyebrows (not understanding why they do that in the movies ), check your breath (knowing you look retarded breathing in your hand). But anyway....your clothes look good, shoes tied...you look up...and she's looking again, but only for a second as she quickly goes back to scribbling. Definitely no mistaking it now. Confidence in check, you see the path is clear to her, you stand up, straighten your clothes, doing the mental check once more.

Trying your best James Dean/John Wayne smooth strut you mentally rehearse your plan to walk right up to her and sweep her off her feet. She looks again and quickly looks down. You inwardly smile to yourself, just knowing she is waiting for you to approach. I mean how could she not, she has looked at you so many times in the last 20 minutes that you haves lost count, though you did try. Talk about enthusiasm getting in the way.

Here you go, meeting the woman that could be the greatest thing on earth. She looks up again right before you start to approach.

No turning back now, one foot and then the other, moving in on her like she's prey and your the predator. She doesn't know that she's about to swoon at your feet. Once again you give a small smile at your sheer genius dialogue she just wishes she could hear. You have her in your sights...only a couple or more feet until you make her day. You approach her table, lightly rap your knuckles to get her attention. After all you have seen this confident move in the movies many times and it always works. Your knuckle rap has brought her head up, you expect a beaming smile. She makes eye contact....

Your breathe catches waiting to hear her flowery words, she opens her mouth and says....

"What do you want?" in a very not nice tone. Off guard, you try of figure out what has happened. Maybe you heard her wrong. You try to be smooth, giving her a debonair smile and casually tell her that you noticed her checking you out for the last half hour and decided to come and say hello.

You patiently wait for her to smile and start that conversation you have been running in your mind for last 30 minutes. You tell yourself that the look she has on her face is not what you expected but maybe you caught her off guard.

She laughs. Not the quiet flirtatious laugh, but the tears running down her face, slap the table kind of laugh. And because you think you missed the punchline but don't want to look stupid, you laugh too. Then while pointing, still laughing, she informs you that she never noticed you sitting there, she was just keeping an eye on the clock so she isn't late for her exam.

You face heats up and she laughs even harder. You didn't miss the joke, she was laughing at you...and you really missed the signs. That one, you got wrong....big time.

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posted by Sonya @ 3/18/2007 11:43:00 AM, ,




Why oh Why Do You Do The Things That You Do...
Monday, March 12, 2007

Alright...Men out there, apparently we need to have this talk. I thought that you were going to figure this one out on your own, but apparently....it's a no go. So here it is. Do not, I repeat, Do not make those moves that you see in the movies. There is a reason why they are in the movies. It is because.....say it with me......they are stupid, obvious and retarded moves. So here we go, since I need to spell it out for you.....

Moves to not use while on the first or first few dates......

Yawn/Arm Stretch Move: When you stretch your arm and casually lay it behind our heads, it is not a smooth move. So, just in case you missed my message so far, we did see it, we are not impressed and the people behind you are not laughing at the movie. Suggestion: Just look at her, pick up your arm and place it behind her head while giving her that cute/sexy smile that got her to go out with you in the first place. It shows confidence and that you want to be closer. And just in case you were thinking about it, do not make it a quick one-fluid-motion without eye-contact, catch-her-off-guard move. We hate that! That is uncomfortable since the girl has to now plot on how to remove your arm without causing a scene.

Accidental Popcorn/Hand Grab Move: Many guys like to think that they are smooth by waiting for the female to go for some popcorn and then 'accidentally' reaching at the same time. Then they take this as a good opportunity to grab for her hand to 'hold hands' and be romantic. First thing wrong with this....her hand and your hand are greasy. Hello...common sense would say that she wants popcorn, not to be attached. And this is especially bad if she has just grabbed a handful which you have now squished in her palm. Second, this is not a smooth move and she can tell you were waiting to make your move. It's like setting a bait trap and then jumping on the unsuspecting prey when they go for it....not cool. Thus, when you are planning an all-important 'pounce', don't. Suggestion: Wait for the right moment. Truth is, most women will give the sign that they would like contact, such as, placing her hand on her leg close to your hand. This shows that it would take little work for you to move your hand and grab hers. Plus, you know she is open for the contact. Surprising her with popcorn bait is not the way to make her yours.

The Casual Bump While Walking: I have to admit, this move may work for some men. However, it requires some finesse. There are guys out there that can handle the subtle 'bump the girl' and then quickly grab her as if to stabilize her, allowing for the arm to go around in one smooth fluid motion. I know many of you out there are amazed and are writing this down to try it out. Stop! Even though it seems simple, let me explain why you should not try this. Picture this....You and the one you like (but can't imagine how to make a smooth move) are walking down the sidewalk after a wonderful, yet unproductive evening. Your scheming mind is frantically trying to figure out how to get your arm around her without looking to obvious. Your latest try of "are you cold?" was casually brushed off when she said no. You are now at a loss. Yet, you remember this move seen in the movies and you are about to try it. You step away and then subtlety step towards her to slightly bump her. However, your idiot brain didn't take into account that she is wearing high heels (to impress you) and is not currently paying attention for your ambush. To your horror, your bump has sent her flying away in the direction of the force you applied and that, in combination with her wobbly shoes, did not allow for your quick grab. Your swept of her feet lady (literally) has landed in an uncomfortable position on the sidewalk. You are speechless and she is embarrassed, angry....etc, you get the point. So now what? It's hard to put your arm around her when she is now limping with one heel broken after stepping in a crack in the sidewalk on her way down. Your moment has passed and so has future dates. Suggestion: While walking with her, casually and lightly touch her arm with the back of your hand. Then slowly run your hand down her arm and smoothly grab her hand. Once this move is successful, wait a few moments and then casually remove your hand and drape it over her shoulder. Mission complete.....no injuries.

The Whisper Lean Sneak: There are many times that this one will also work. It is a common enough move, but it never happens as you see it in the movies. Movies: The man is dying to kiss the woman and he seductively looks at her, acts like he has something to say, she leans and he quickly and smoothly kisses her on the lips. She gets embarrassed but likes it and he is confident of his moves. Reality: First and foremost, she is not expecting it. If you make her think you are going to say something, she will look at you and is expecting to hear what you just can't wait to tell her. You lean in, she leans in, and just when you are about to give her the smoocheroo, she opens her mouth to say "what?" or more embarrassingly, moves her head to hear better. After all, it is a secret. Yup, you have either kissed her open mouth, while yours in closed or got a big mouth full of hair. If you were lucky, you didn't stick your tongue up her nose or give her chin a good wash. Rarely do these moves come across as smoothly as they look. Again, unless you are Humphrey Bogart or James Dean, you might as well stick with the common man moves. Suggestion, look her in the eyes and slowly move in. Or, try the sweet innocent kiss on the cheek (testing the waters for more) and then slowly and sweetly move in for the big bang.

The Seatbelt Sneak: There are many ways of initiating that first kiss. I cannot stress enough that it should not be while trying to buckle her seatbelt. First, she is an adult and can manage it herself while you look retarded by helping. Second, it is an awkward position to try a kiss. After you lean in and initiate the so important, decide if you'll ever see her again kinda kiss, you nonchalantly try to cup her cheek only to be thwarted by your seatbelt holding your arm away in mid air struggling to be free. As you try to fight the seatbelt holding you away from your beloved....you are not paying attention to the one putting every moment into memory. Don't misunderstand, a man fighting with the seatbelt while trying to seductively kiss a girl is a great romance starter. I love the almost-but-not-quite-paying attention moves that end with him seductively licking my right nostril. You can never have too many nose kisses. Suggestion: Try kissing her before you open her door or after you open her door. Again, both these suggestions occur outside the car in a more 'I'm paying attention to just you' sort of move. Trust me on this one, we are paying attention and spastic is not a turn-on.

Fix the Collar: If there were any of these moves that I think might work....for the right guy, it might be this one. We are all often at the end of the date where both want that goodnight kiss. She casually picks off lint of his coat and he carelessly straightens her collar. This smooth man lightly runs his hands around the collar of her jacket (to act like it was incorrectly folded) and then meets both his hands behind her head. This leads to the slow, all consuming eye-contact move of gently pulling her into his embrace for the one heel kick-up kiss. For you non-smooth and most likely lucky to get this date kinda guy, it will not go like this. You will reach in, go to smooth her coat, only to yank a little to hard on the collar in fixing it since you are nervous. The head yank she just experienced has made her a little wary and she tries to step back. However, you are in the middle of your gently (but come across as another yank) towards you and she is forced against your chest. She is about to protest but you descend in on her while she is trying to get away. Not exactly the smooth way you wanted to make her want your kiss. Suggestion: For those of you out there that can read the signs, this may work for you. But you have to remember that slow and casual is the way, you must put the nerves aside and realize your strength. If you think you might botch this all important moment, then casually take her hands, pull them to your chest and place them around your neck. This gives her time to withdrawal and still gives you the perfect setting to make her kick her heel up.

Men, if you find yourself about to employ any of these moves, proceed with caution. Those happy ending are most often seen in the movies, and I don't recall any of my girlfriends talking blissfully about any nostril cleanings or sidewalk plummets in the recent history. You my friend, would be discussed only in the " I had this date once" category and that is never a good place to be.....

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posted by Sonya @ 3/12/2007 11:42:00 AM, ,




Apparently I Resemble A Terrorist
Friday, December 22, 2006

If Santa could grant me one wish, it would be to pass through an airport without being violated. Currently...Airports 23...Sonya 0. For those of you that don't know me...this might sound like nothing out of the ordinary..possibly just part of the governments way to stop terrorism. However, I understand the concept of profiling... I do not in any way fit into this category. Let me explain why I do not pose a threat. First... I am in every way American white bread. I am white...in looks, dress and all other mannerisms. Ok...so nothing there. Next, I am only 5 foot 3 inches, not exactly towering over the security officers. Ok...again..nothing there. Maybe it's the blond hair, in a pony tail and carrying a number of dorky science books. Yeah...that must be it....

It seems that I can travel amongst a large group of people wearing turbans, speaking another language and most likely carrying something making a large ticking noise and still ...you guessed it...I get the all-over frisking. Now..this might just sound like a typical traveler complaining..but this isn't just a once here and there occurance...nope...it's every time I fly. The delay often results in me having to tell people that I may be traveling with me to walk slowly, I'll be a minute...I see them giving me the eye. However, I must at this point acknowledge the thoroughness of those inspections. I have had less action on first dates and I almost always feel obligated to ask for their phone numbers or dinner after it's done.

It would be safe to say I am often a little bitter over this injustice...so how do I get them back. Oh the sweet revenge. On almost all traveling occasions, I make it a point to pack my suitcase so full that I have to sit on it and work it for 10-15 minutes to get a successful closure. And since they (the conspirators at the airport) insist on searching it each and every time...it is quite amusing to watch 2 or 3 grown men try to close my bag. But if I'm in a particularly bad mood from repeated violations...I make it a point to remember to pack my travel underwear (those not worn..just for falling out) just inside the zipper so that they are the first things to fall out and require stuffing back into the bag.

So, with all things in life...there is a life lesson to be learned..in this situation, it is of course to never mess with an intelligent woman...we have our ways!

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posted by Sonya @ 12/22/2006 02:44:00 PM, ,



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