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Why oh Why Do You Do The Things That You Do...

Alright...Men out there, apparently we need to have this talk. I thought that you were going to figure this one out on your own, but apparently....it's a no go. So here it is. Do not, I repeat, Do not make those moves that you see in the movies. There is a reason why they are in the movies. It is because.....say it with me......they are stupid, obvious and retarded moves. So here we go, since I need to spell it out for you.....

Moves to not use while on the first or first few dates......

Yawn/Arm Stretch Move: When you stretch your arm and casually lay it behind our heads, it is not a smooth move. So, just in case you missed my message so far, we did see it, we are not impressed and the people behind you are not laughing at the movie. Suggestion: Just look at her, pick up your arm and place it behind her head while giving her that cute/sexy smile that got her to go out with you in the first place. It shows confidence and that you want to be closer. And just in case you were thinking about it, do not make it a quick one-fluid-motion without eye-contact, catch-her-off-guard move. We hate that! That is uncomfortable since the girl has to now plot on how to remove your arm without causing a scene.

Accidental Popcorn/Hand Grab Move: Many guys like to think that they are smooth by waiting for the female to go for some popcorn and then 'accidentally' reaching at the same time. Then they take this as a good opportunity to grab for her hand to 'hold hands' and be romantic. First thing wrong with this....her hand and your hand are greasy. Hello...common sense would say that she wants popcorn, not to be attached. And this is especially bad if she has just grabbed a handful which you have now squished in her palm. Second, this is not a smooth move and she can tell you were waiting to make your move. It's like setting a bait trap and then jumping on the unsuspecting prey when they go for it....not cool. Thus, when you are planning an all-important 'pounce', don't. Suggestion: Wait for the right moment. Truth is, most women will give the sign that they would like contact, such as, placing her hand on her leg close to your hand. This shows that it would take little work for you to move your hand and grab hers. Plus, you know she is open for the contact. Surprising her with popcorn bait is not the way to make her yours.

The Casual Bump While Walking: I have to admit, this move may work for some men. However, it requires some finesse. There are guys out there that can handle the subtle 'bump the girl' and then quickly grab her as if to stabilize her, allowing for the arm to go around in one smooth fluid motion. I know many of you out there are amazed and are writing this down to try it out. Stop! Even though it seems simple, let me explain why you should not try this. Picture this....You and the one you like (but can't imagine how to make a smooth move) are walking down the sidewalk after a wonderful, yet unproductive evening. Your scheming mind is frantically trying to figure out how to get your arm around her without looking to obvious. Your latest try of "are you cold?" was casually brushed off when she said no. You are now at a loss. Yet, you remember this move seen in the movies and you are about to try it. You step away and then subtlety step towards her to slightly bump her. However, your idiot brain didn't take into account that she is wearing high heels (to impress you) and is not currently paying attention for your ambush. To your horror, your bump has sent her flying away in the direction of the force you applied and that, in combination with her wobbly shoes, did not allow for your quick grab. Your swept of her feet lady (literally) has landed in an uncomfortable position on the sidewalk. You are speechless and she is embarrassed, angry....etc, you get the point. So now what? It's hard to put your arm around her when she is now limping with one heel broken after stepping in a crack in the sidewalk on her way down. Your moment has passed and so has future dates. Suggestion: While walking with her, casually and lightly touch her arm with the back of your hand. Then slowly run your hand down her arm and smoothly grab her hand. Once this move is successful, wait a few moments and then casually remove your hand and drape it over her shoulder. Mission complete.....no injuries.

The Whisper Lean Sneak: There are many times that this one will also work. It is a common enough move, but it never happens as you see it in the movies. Movies: The man is dying to kiss the woman and he seductively looks at her, acts like he has something to say, she leans and he quickly and smoothly kisses her on the lips. She gets embarrassed but likes it and he is confident of his moves. Reality: First and foremost, she is not expecting it. If you make her think you are going to say something, she will look at you and is expecting to hear what you just can't wait to tell her. You lean in, she leans in, and just when you are about to give her the smoocheroo, she opens her mouth to say "what?" or more embarrassingly, moves her head to hear better. After all, it is a secret. Yup, you have either kissed her open mouth, while yours in closed or got a big mouth full of hair. If you were lucky, you didn't stick your tongue up her nose or give her chin a good wash. Rarely do these moves come across as smoothly as they look. Again, unless you are Humphrey Bogart or James Dean, you might as well stick with the common man moves. Suggestion, look her in the eyes and slowly move in. Or, try the sweet innocent kiss on the cheek (testing the waters for more) and then slowly and sweetly move in for the big bang.

The Seatbelt Sneak: There are many ways of initiating that first kiss. I cannot stress enough that it should not be while trying to buckle her seatbelt. First, she is an adult and can manage it herself while you look retarded by helping. Second, it is an awkward position to try a kiss. After you lean in and initiate the so important, decide if you'll ever see her again kinda kiss, you nonchalantly try to cup her cheek only to be thwarted by your seatbelt holding your arm away in mid air struggling to be free. As you try to fight the seatbelt holding you away from your beloved....you are not paying attention to the one putting every moment into memory. Don't misunderstand, a man fighting with the seatbelt while trying to seductively kiss a girl is a great romance starter. I love the almost-but-not-quite-paying attention moves that end with him seductively licking my right nostril. You can never have too many nose kisses. Suggestion: Try kissing her before you open her door or after you open her door. Again, both these suggestions occur outside the car in a more 'I'm paying attention to just you' sort of move. Trust me on this one, we are paying attention and spastic is not a turn-on.

Fix the Collar: If there were any of these moves that I think might work....for the right guy, it might be this one. We are all often at the end of the date where both want that goodnight kiss. She casually picks off lint of his coat and he carelessly straightens her collar. This smooth man lightly runs his hands around the collar of her jacket (to act like it was incorrectly folded) and then meets both his hands behind her head. This leads to the slow, all consuming eye-contact move of gently pulling her into his embrace for the one heel kick-up kiss. For you non-smooth and most likely lucky to get this date kinda guy, it will not go like this. You will reach in, go to smooth her coat, only to yank a little to hard on the collar in fixing it since you are nervous. The head yank she just experienced has made her a little wary and she tries to step back. However, you are in the middle of your gently (but come across as another yank) towards you and she is forced against your chest. She is about to protest but you descend in on her while she is trying to get away. Not exactly the smooth way you wanted to make her want your kiss. Suggestion: For those of you out there that can read the signs, this may work for you. But you have to remember that slow and casual is the way, you must put the nerves aside and realize your strength. If you think you might botch this all important moment, then casually take her hands, pull them to your chest and place them around your neck. This gives her time to withdrawal and still gives you the perfect setting to make her kick her heel up.

Men, if you find yourself about to employ any of these moves, proceed with caution. Those happy ending are most often seen in the movies, and I don't recall any of my girlfriends talking blissfully about any nostril cleanings or sidewalk plummets in the recent history. You my friend, would be discussed only in the " I had this date once" category and that is never a good place to be.....

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posted by Sonya @ 3/12/2007 11:42:00 AM,

4 Comments:

At March 12, 2007 at 1:37 PM, Anonymous Actin said...

Hahahahaha... very very funny! I can totally picture you (with some goofy guy) in all these situations. And I like how you've given suggestions for doing it right. Its a crash course in dating for all those guys out there :)

 
At March 12, 2007 at 4:02 PM, Blogger Sakshi said...

hahaa..
Now you are advicing men, should I send the whole contingent of desi guys to you?

 
At March 13, 2007 at 9:09 AM, Blogger Lalit Singh said...

Applause n standing ovation for you Sonya

 
At March 14, 2007 at 4:41 AM, Blogger raven said...

desi #53 here .. sent by sakshi!

waise dunno about the first three but the whisper lean sneak and fix the collar have worked for me in the past :)

any more moves you could suggest?

 

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