Emotional Roller Coaster
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
There are many things going right in my life. But on the other hand there are so many things going wrong. All I can say is that I am sad and mostly angry on the inside. I find myself going from one end of this spectrum to the other with mere seconds in between. I know many of you just thought about how sorry you feel for my significant other, with this I would agree with you. I think he is probably wondering why he bought a ticket for this emotional roller coaster.
Events in life can and most often do, knock the legs out from under us. From my family's past, I can assure you that we are quite used to quickly rushing towards the ground with barely enough time to stop our faces from smacking the dirt.
But this is different this time. At this moment, I hear my Mother's voice annoyingly pointing out that I always say that and I always get over things. But I really mean it this time, it's different. This is a pain unlike any other. It is the pain of the possibly of losing someone close to me. I find myself holding onto any other thought other than that one.
They say that there are moments in your life that you would give anything to take back. I now have one to trump all the others I thought I had. I desperately want take back the moment when they said you were sick. Someone tell me what you want from me to erase this and I will do it. Anything. No really, please tell me what you want.
The pain is not for me. OK, I will admit that part of it is, because I don't want to lose you. But it is for everyone else more. It is for my Mom who deserves to be happy and you have given her something in this world that she should have. It is for my sister who has just a hard of time of dealing with this as I do. And this is for the one that knows you can walk on water. She deserves to know you in the years coming. She deserves to have that person that stands behind her no matter what and who she knows loves her with a love that has no end. I want her to have you now and later. I desperately want her to know what it is like to know a person who stood by us, never gave up even during those extreme cases of frustration and gave us a stability we had never known.
To me, I got a father figure of someone that would be there day or night, rain or shine, good times or bad, and whether you had somewhere else you wanted to be or not.
So, I am angry. I am angry that you are sick. I am angry that there are people out there who are bad, and hurtful and bring nothing good to anyone and yet they are fine. I am angry that I may possibly lose you when I don't want to. I am angry because I am scared that you may leave.
I am sad that you and we are all hurting. I am sad that you are hurting emotionally and that you don't deserve this. I am sad that for once things were going according to plan.
This roller coaster takes me to great heights and depths over an over again.
When 'they' say life isn't fair, 'they' were so very right.
posted by Sonya @ 1/25/2012 05:39:00 PM, ,
In My Head
Friday, October 28, 2011
I have these conversations in my head all day long. They are random and continuous. They often are about nothing, just something that has triggered a memory or just a diatribe of no particular interest to anyone but me. The thing is that since I talk in my head all day, I am less likely to want to talk to other people. I often feel like I am all talked out when it comes time to talking to the significant other. I see no way to make changes. I suppose it is just who I am. Like right now, I am talking to you in my head, not speaking an actual word but we are having a conversation. Funny how that works.
posted by Sonya @ 10/28/2011 11:02:00 AM, ,
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I would like this to be less like a rant and more about an issue that seems to be fairly common. I now understand the stereotype that women often get of being pouty or whiny or acting like a diva. Recently I went on a trip with my significant other, another couple and a female friend of the couple. I can honestly say that I enjoyed the trip but it was in spite of the other women. I find myself being disgusted by women who act childish when they are unhappy instead of just dealing with it or fixing the problem. It is like taking children along on a trip. Only this time you cannot swat them on the butt and put them to bed. I tried to not let these women ruin the time. The guy and I walked slower and tried to put distance between ourselves and these other people. Later that evening we had a nice quiet dinner sans the other members and truly enjoyed the mature atmosphere.
My issue is with these types of women. I do understand where the stereotype comes from now. I now get the reason why men think that women are so full of drama. What I don't understand is why these women think it is acceptable to act this way. The rational side just does not understand how this behavior solves anything.
All in all it was an enjoyable trip. My lesson learned is to be careful who I travel with in the future. I acquired some memories and life lessons all in one trip. Yay for me.
posted by Sonya @ 4/05/2011 10:46:00 AM, ,
I don't want to read about your research....
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I love science and I love my job.
I do not love the fact that we are underpaid for the commitment that we give.
But more than that I have learned that I hate reviewing grants.
I love my research but I don't want to read yours.
I know that this is selfish but I find myself struggling to get through other people's ideas.
I suppose this is mainly because I am so busy trying to stay focused on my own work that trying to figure out the research of someone else is extremely frustrating.
No offense of course, I am sure it is as awesome as mine! :D
posted by Sonya @ 3/31/2011 05:07:00 PM, ,
I always laugh off the comments that people make when they say that I don't listen. I laugh this off because for the most part it is true. I do have the horrible habit of only partially listening when people speak to me. It is not to be rude but more the fact that at any given time I am absorbed in something playing in the background of my mind.
1. Research. Some people have the luxury of leaving work and forgetting about it until the next morning. This is not the case for me. I haven't had that luxury in over 10 years. The most constant thought in my head is what am I going to do next? Do I have the drugs/chemicals? Do I have the time to get it started and finish before my next meeting? How will I analyze? What if it significantly disagrees with what I have? Do I need to sign up to use the core facility? Did I remember to send out the emails for meeting with collaborators? What is my week plan? What is my month plan? What is my year plan? What is my 5 year plan? What is my 10 year plan? This is always on my mind. I am always trying to move forward. How will everything impact my career goals? How do I stay on track?
2. Family. Family is always a thought in the back of my head. When will I see them again? Do I need to buy a plane ticket yet? Do I have the money for the ticket? How many days will I be able to stay? What have I missed in the six months I have been gone?
3. Friends/significant other. My friends and boyfriend are an important part of my life. I enjoy spending time with them all. My thoughts always come back to what I will be doing tonight. Have I spent time with both of them? How do I make them all happy?
4. My wonderful crazy zoo animals. Yes, they take up space in this crazy mind. Mainly because the speak the loudest on what they want. They typically do this my destroying my apartment.
So to all of you that I only half listen to...I apologize. My attention is always divided and I do try to focus...I really do!
posted by Sonya @ 3/31/2011 04:54:00 PM, ,
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Happy Birthday to you.
I can honestly say that I have always had more hopes and dreams for you than I have had for myself.
I have hoped that you would be happy and have a life full of love and laughter.
You have always been that one person that I love more than myself and because of this, I wish for you to be truly happy in who you are.
So on this day that you turn 28, I hope you are happy. Not with the things that you can buy but in the people that you know will be there for you with life's many ups and downs.
I hope that today is better than yesterday and that tomorrow will be better than today.
You are truly someone I could not live without, so today is a celebration of another year passed.
Happy Birthday to you!
I love you!
posted by Sonya @ 3/22/2011 02:23:00 PM, ,
What I would say to you if only I could...
Friday, January 7, 2011
What I would say to you personally if there were no repercussions from you toward other people...
General Interactions. You are mean and selfish and I do not like you. You have been rude and disgusting for years and you make me sick on the way you treat people. You are not the catch you seem to think you are. I find the way you think you are entitled to everything to be so childish. It is almost as if you are mentally handicap and beyond reasoning and self-reflection. I truly believe that there is something mentally wrong with you in the fact that you can be so oblivious to the effect you have on other people. I would think it would be obvious that the room changes when you are around. People previously laughing and enjoying the time become morose and irritated over nothing in particular.
Motherhood. Being a mother is more than popping out a baby. How can one sit on their butt all day, dirty dishes and generally mess up the area around them and then feel perfectly fine with making their children clean up after them when they get home from school. YOU ARE HOME ALL DAY, GET OFF YOUR BIG REAR-END AND DO IT YOURSELF!!
Respect. Get some for your self. Get some for the people taking care of you. As a strong woman, it makes me sick to see a week one taking advantage of people and crying victim. For once in your life, get a backbone and stand up. You make me sick. I find the fact that you can mooch off of other people disgusting. But what is more disgusting is the fact that you are teaching your children to do the same thing. They are as lazy and disrespectful as you are. Way to be a great parent.
Integrity. You have none. You lie without a conscious. You take money from someone and when you don't spend if for that purpose, you keep it. Technically that is stealing. You disgust me. See the respect statement above. I find it so sad that when asked of the people that actually do care about you whether or not you could really be trusted, they say No. When push comes to shove, it is obvious that you would throw anyone under the bus if it serves you in some way. That I find sad. And once more, you are teaching your children these same qualities. So very sad.
Entitlement. For some reason, you think you are entitled to things you didn't work for. You are not entitled to do as you please with money you didn't make just because you live there. You are not entitled to use the electricity in a limitless fashion just because you live there. You are not entitled to dictate the rules or object when someone else is paying the bills. You are not entitled to let your children talk disrespectfully to other people just because they do not respect you. Maybe, just maybe, you should shut-up and say thank you to the people that work all day to make money to support you. Maybe if you had learned the value of working hard and naturally from that the value of a dollar, you would somehow understand what it means to work hard for something, anything...then maybe you would understand just a little.
Family. You are family, but wouldn't be if I had a choice. I do not like you. I am saddened at the way you treat other people and angered at the way you disrespectfully treat those that are supporting you 100% percent.
Advice. Grow up. If not for the sake of you finally becoming something, then do if for your children that are becoming miniature versions of you. Please don't let your children become something that everyone else has to take care of too. Please!
posted by Sonya @ 1/07/2011 05:39:00 PM, ,