Someone Special....
Friday, September 28, 2007
In re-reading some of my past blogs concerning family, I feel that I have not mentioned someone that deserves the recognition. Many people will never understand this person to the full extent that is required. He is often hard to understand, stand-offish and may be a harsh critic at times. So why do I even mention him at all?
I mention him because, besides the things listed above, he is someone that will be first in line to defend his family, can always be counted on, has my best interest at heart and will stand by me when I need him. Whether it is for something large or small, he is and always has been one of the first people that I call when I need help. He is my Step-dad in all the ways that count.
I am sad to say that I never really had a father figure around to support and guide me when I was growing up. So, when my mother remarried, we all made adjustments. Initially, he was hard to understand and misunderstandings occurred. But as the years passed, he filled a role that had never really had a place before. He became someone that I could count on, ask advice and turned to when I knew others would not be there.
I look back now and try to understand exactly when I stopped thinking of him as the man my mother married and just saw him as family and then more importantly as a step-father. I came to realize that it happened much earlier than even I realized. I sit now and remember all those moments that didn't truly register, mainly because I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was in the moments that he felt the same anger or sometimes even more when I had been wronged. It was also the moments when he stood to do battle against those that had hurt me, while trying to act as though he wasn't. With the falling together of all the pieces, I realized that I had gained someone that I had never had before. A protector when I needed it and a leader when I lost my way.
But the most startling moment came a few years back. It was in a random moment that I truly realized what I gained and had been missing all along. In this moment, I understood that he acted like a father all the time, not part of the time. I actually stopped and sat when I also realized that I never doubted his commitment and promises given to me. This was a monumental moment. I could honestly say that other than my mother and sister, I had never trusted anyone else's words or promises made to me. I had finally found another person in my life that could be trusted.
As I sat reflecting, I understood the significance of what lay before me. I came to the startling realization of the fear that I had and still have concerning someone not showing up when they say they will pick me up. I realized then, that I never had that fear with him. From the very beginning, I knew that he would always do what he said he was going to do and I never doubted him, not even now.
So, I clarify my error in not putting a spotlight on a significant person in my life. Someone that has stood closely by in the good times to support me and still stood there in the bad times when I fell. Some will never understand this person, but I cannot say he has not added something previously missing in my life. He has been and always will be a missing piece of the puzzle making the picture complete.
Labels: Family
posted by Sonya @ 9/28/2007 12:06:00 PM, ,
Spite
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Yes Spite.
I have those moments, maybe more than others that I wait for the opportunity to return a favor bestowed upon me. I am not proud, though I do laugh over my many little spiteful moments, that I feel the need to in some way even the score. These are not horrible things that one would notice. More just my way of standing on the sidelines and smiling at something small.
Yes, it may be petty but they asked for it. One such occasion occurred in the past. My roommate was a very interesting girl. I was living in a neighborhood where I did not fit in at all (piece of rice in the raisin box) and you could say that I stood out. Well, my dear roommate liked to point out how I wasn't and had never dated a raisin. This really made me popular in the neighborhood. Along with the many uncomfortable comments by my dear roommate, I also came to realise that she had been stealing from me (money, parking pass, etc.). I confronted her, we had our fights, she blocked all my calls and forgot to tell when my friends and family called. This lead to more fights, more drama and I was getting nowhere. Thus, life was pretty unbearable. But, dear stupid roommate made a very careless error. She was stupid enough to date multiple guys while still having a boyfriend from where she was from. Yes, the golden ticket.
The dilemma, how to 'accidentally' set the trap. The idea came just out of nowhere at the right moment, with the fateful phone call. Said roommate was not home one afternoon and boyfriend called. I nicely asked each of guys names that she was currently dating, trying innocently to identify the caller. Oh yes, score one for the good guys.
As you can imagine this sparked some fights, between said boyfriend and her, and of course between her and I. But, luckily being the mature person that I am, OK...well maybe not, tried to keep the peace but hide my things. We spent many more months like this, with her still being the same and doing the same things and me being angry over the drama. Weeks later we were in the same position as earlier and she had a whole new group of guys. This is where things became interesting, golden ticket number 2. Will she never learn?
While said roommate was out, a few of the boys called to see if she was home. I kindly explained that she would be back soon and told them (yes, all of them) that she said that they should feel free to stop over around 6 to see her. I was so surprised (and so was she) when 5 of her men all showed up. The funny part is that they showed up one by one and didn't know what to say or do so they just all came in, sat and watched TV together. No one talked. Now, that was an awkward evening (for her and them...obviously not me!). I sat out there with them and smiled, trying to carry on polite conversation. They were so rude!
So, as you can see, I tend not to scream, yell and carrying on with the drama. I feel that one should sit back and view the situation to find the best solution. I am sure there is a prophet or something out there somewhere that would suggest this very thing. I am sure this is what they meant.
Labels: Humor
posted by Sonya @ 9/26/2007 09:16:00 AM, ,
Quiet Moments
I like to be alone to just listen. As a child I spent many hours sitting in the woods with my eyes closed listening to all the sounds around me. Today is no different. When the opportunity arises, I sit in nature, eyes closed trying to hear all aspects of nature that I have missed. One cannot understand the different languages spoken when the wind blows, leaves rustle and the birds call unless they have taken the time to sit and just absorb life around them.
This quiet interlude in my life always seems to reset something inside that has shifted out of balance. It is in these moments that I try to remember who I am. To understand why I love what I do and how I can dedicate such a large part of me to something others take for granted.
In these moments, I find me. The one who was temporally lost in the everyday movements we call life.
Labels: nature
posted by Sonya @ 9/26/2007 09:14:00 AM, ,
Family...ahhhh
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
You can never really tell with family. To be honest, I don't think that I could pick a larger group of people that don't know who I am at all. Something has to be said about the miracle that I can be in room full of people that are all related to me....and yet aside from my mom and little sister...not a single one really knows who I am. Granted...I may not be an open book about everything. However, if there is one thing you should know about me, it should definitely be what I love above everything else. Seriously, take a guess at what I have dedicated most of my life to. Go on...go with the obvious!!
OK, there may be many of you out there that are still skeptical, so let me give you a few examples of what some immediate family members think I am doing with my life.
Bachelors Degree:
By paternal parentage
"She loves animals...and she's been in school for a long time...She wants to help animals and talk to them. I'm sure she's going to be a pet psychiatrist....she really wants to understand them!"
Older sibling
"Who knows...she just goes to school...she thinks she so smart...she wants to be a veterinarian or something".
Master's Degree:
By paternal parentage
"Well, she's back in school...and she really wants to be one of those little biologists." After confusion by the other, he explained. "You know...something with animals and stuff...I can't really remember the name....oh yea....a microbiologist!"
By older sibling
"I thought she graduated...now what is she doing?...Shouldn't she have graduated by now?" (She went to my graduation!)
FYI. No, I am not wanting to be a pet psychiatrist (nor did I ever), or a microbiologist (don't do anything with bacteria) or a veterinarian (think that was in the 5th grade). To date, I like the physiological aspect of animal behavior. So, if you run into my family members, please kindly explain what this means. Promise it will be an enlightening experience (for you!).
So, can't wait to hear what they have planned for me now!
posted by Sonya @ 9/25/2007 10:13:00 AM, ,
Responsiblilty
A weight upon the chest.
A shackle attached to the ankle.
The shadow that never leaves.
Sometimes suffocating, while sometimes a close friend.
posted by Sonya @ 9/25/2007 09:47:00 AM, ,
Expectations...
We all put expectations on ourselves. But when are these expectations to high? I often see what others put themselves through based upon what they expect from themselves. It's funny that I can see in others what I cannot see in myself.
I have always expected more from myself than I would ever expect from another person. I understand much of what I feel is almost impossible to do, and yet I do not change my expectations.
So I ask you this, where do we draw the line? When should a person realize that some expectations are more harmful than good? And, how does one change something so ingrained in who they are that changing would seem to be just as unlikely as the lowering of said expectations.
I write this because I find that I expect so much in so many areas that they contradict each other. And still, I try.
Labels: expectations, future, goals
posted by Sonya @ 9/25/2007 09:39:00 AM, ,
Well...
Monday, September 24, 2007
I like to think that I know exactly who I am. Actually, this was the one thing that I was always sure about.
And yet, I surprise myself regularly through contradiction.
They said life wasn't easy. I just assumed that I wouldn't be the source.
Damn.
posted by Sonya @ 9/24/2007 11:00:00 AM, ,
Uncertainty
Sunday, September 23, 2007
We all have those moments or days where we are just uncertain. Uncertain about what we feel now, why we feel it and how to resolve these feelings. With this, it may also bring uncertain feelings about how and what the future will hold.
Today is one of those days. I sit and stare trying to figure it all out. But as of yet, I am uncertain of what I am uncertain about.
The only thing I am certain about is this feeling I can't seem to understand or identify. Thus, since I am one that does not like uncertainty, I wish to resolve this uncertain feeling immediately. This I do know!
posted by Sonya @ 9/23/2007 03:52:00 PM, ,
The "O" Model of Actions
Friday, September 21, 2007
INTRODUCTION
Well, Yesterday's seminar here in the Biology Department had the potential to be very interesting. But as you can probably guess, it was big on the boring side. The talk seemed like it was going to be interesting since it was concerning Polar Bear Survival in the melting ice environment. The talk started out interesting enough but lost my attention around minute 30. However, do not despair, we always find ways to entertain ourselves. It is not surprising to the others in 'the sharks' that Dr. Labcoat nicely passed the time for us. It is based upon his 'actions' that we have devised the 'O' Model of Actions.
Dr. Labcoat is a pretentious windbag that spends more bragging about himself and how great he is than actually getting any work done or helping his graduate students. It was during a previous seminar that we noticed that Dr. Labcoat likes to perform certain 'actions' on a regular basis. And by actions I am including nose picking, teeth picking, ear cleaning, scanning of the crowd and the ever so often crotch adjustments. Now, you may think that everyone does a wipe here or there. Casual cases such as these are not considered in the model. We have designed the model based upon intensity of such actions, so as not to contaminate the pool of data. Specifically, only data points clearly showing an 'action' are used as a representative of the data sample pool.
MATERIAL AND METHODS
To understand the model fully, we have counted such actions over a set time period and will conduct statistics to gain a more comprehensive view of total actions within the entire seminar period. We do this for two reasons (1) I paid attention to the first half of the seminar, (2) Because the study subject might notice us staring at him and see my continuous giggling into the sleeve of my shirt. Thus, the data gathered will represent 20 minutes of the observational trial.
RESULTS
Actions:
Nose Pick ( 19 )
Crowd Scan ( 11 )
Crotch Adjustment ( 2 )
Head Scratches ( 3 )
Ear Picks ( 3 )
Teeth Picks ( 3 )
Crappy Jokes ( 1 )
The Model:
(# of nose picks - ear picks)/crowd scanning = the 'O' factor coefficient
(# crotch adjustments - # head scratches) / # crappy jokes = the 'Z' factor coefficient
[(# teeth picks)('O' factor coefficient)('Z' factor coefficient) / time (min) ] = 'O' Model of Actions
Graphical Statistical Analysis
# of nose picks over time of seminar shows an exponential increase with time.
DISCUSSION
Simple summary suggests that:
Dr. Labcoat had 57 picks in an hour totaling almost a pick a minute, with a head scratch and ear/teeth pick every twenty minutes. Luckily, we will be treated to less than 2 crappy jokes within the seminar, but he will notice us laughing at him about every 5 minutes during his crowd scans.
Thus, it can be concluded that Dr. Labcoat is disgusting, yet entertaining during seminar time. Future research will examine if self-awareness occurs during such actions in future seminar.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Actin, Other Graduate Student New to Study and past "shark" members present in spirit.
Labels: Actions, Crotch Adjustments, Ear Picking, Humor, Nose Picking, Seminar
posted by Sonya @ 9/21/2007 02:10:00 PM, ,
Flight of the Conchords- Business Time
Thursday, September 20, 2007
A certain someone introduced me to the Flight of the Conchords. They are hilarious...
posted by Sonya @ 9/20/2007 12:10:00 PM, ,
Hey There, Delilah (Edited Version)
WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW BEFORE WATCHING THIS ONE...
This is a spoof on the video shown in the post before this one. I like the original song, but I have to admit this one is much better...ENJOY!
posted by Sonya @ 9/20/2007 12:07:00 PM, ,
A Song To Share....
Just sharing one of the songs that I currently like....
Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah
posted by Sonya @ 9/20/2007 11:48:00 AM, ,
And You Said He Was Too Old!
I Love Football and it just doesn't get any better than the Green Bay Packers!!
Well, for all you doubters out there that said my man should retire and that he is too old to play the game any more...you are soo wrong. Last Sunday, Brett Favre showed the country he still has what it takes to make the plays, score some touchdowns and just all around show off his talent. So for those of you still making fun of my football team, I ask you this one question, "How is your team doing after week two this season?".
I continue to show support for my team, never ending up as one of those fairweather fans cheering only when they start looking good and not showing continued support through the interceptions (yes, there were many). So in the spirit of the game, I wish your team well (unless playing the packers, because then I wish them to lose) and hope you have an eventful season (but not better than my team).
I would like to point out that the Packers are 2-0 so far and played nicely against the New York Giants last week. I am hoping this Sunday shows the same results against the San Diego Chargers (1-1). I am optimistic since the Chargers offense seems to being having some issues already.
Most importantly, Favre has become the winningest quarterback in NFL history. He has 149 wins and is just 4 touchdowns short of beating Dan Marino's record of the most touchdown passes.
So to all of you out there that make fun of my QB......pfffft.
Labels: Brett Favre, Football, Green Bay Packers
posted by Sonya @ 9/20/2007 10:55:00 AM, ,
Remember and Imagine
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
On my walk in this morning, I reflected on my life five years ago. I thought about how much I wanted my life to change and the plans I was making to allow it to unfold.
Today, I sit here doing exactly what I have always wanted to do, completely happy with my life. I remember the person I used to be and I am so glad she is a moment in the past.
For the future. Since I was imaging this day five years ago and where I am today, I started to wonder about five years from this day. I have so many questions as to what my life will be like then:
Will I be happy with the choices that I have made?
Will I love getting up each and every day for the work that I do?
When I look out my windows, what will I see?
Will I have any regrets?
At this moment in time, life is good. I hope to always have that feeling.
posted by Sonya @ 9/19/2007 09:27:00 AM, ,
A Letter...
Monday, September 17, 2007
As with anyone, I have many drawers containing stuff shoved away carelessly. Recently I was cleaning one of those storage drawers in my apartment and came across two letters. One written by me and the written to me. As I sat inside the closet reading moments from my past, I remembered the emotions that went with both. With each one, I sat there in the morning sun taking a walk down memory lane...reliving moments that I am glad have come to pass and thinking about the moments that led up to both of these very emotional letters.
For the first. I wrote this letter to let the words express my anger and animosity towards this other. From the first line, the words seem to take on a persona of their own, screaming and ranting as if this person is standing before you. In one big long paragraph, I spilled all those hurtful and forceful thoughts that I had held in for so long. I can clearly remember a sense of relief after I signed my name to this declaration. While calculating all the consequences of my actions, I felt justified and satisfied with the ending.
Although I meant every word written through each revised copy, I also remember placing this letter in the drawer to rethink the damage I was about to inflict on another. I can say that maybe I regret this, but the letter was never sent. Maybe I should have....
I remember writing those daggers that would forever separate this person and I and did not care then...nor do I now. Even years later, I feel that anger.
For the second. This took me to a much different place. A place I had left and never looked back to. As I sat re-reading this letter, I remembered this person and what it must have taken to pen the words upon the paper. I also remember those moments leading up to this fated letter. I sit and revel in the time and feelings that I sequestered away all those years ago. In this short note, scribbled upon a piece of notebook paper, one cannot miss the feeling that defeat has won. Although the feeling is apparent, the carefully chosen words portray someone that has finally given up and is ready to walk the other way.
You may wonder why I chose to save both of these letters. The first is to remind me of the many wrongs committed by this person in the past and the other is to remember a life that I chose to leave behind...
posted by Sonya @ 9/17/2007 03:30:00 PM, ,
