What I Have To Say....

Emotional Roller Coaster

2012-01-25T17:39:00.002-05:00

There are many things going right in my life. But on the other hand there are so many things going wrong. All I can say is that I am sad and mostly angry on the inside. I find myself going from one end of this spectrum to the other with mere seconds in between. I know many of you just thought about how sorry you feel for my significant other, with this I would agree with you. I think he is probably wondering why he bought a ticket for this emotional roller coaster.

Events in life can and most often do, knock the legs out from under us. From my family's past, I can assure you that we are quite used to quickly rushing towards the ground with barely enough time to stop our faces from smacking the dirt.

But this is different this time. At this moment, I hear my Mother's voice annoyingly pointing out that I always say that and I always get over things. But I really mean it this time, it's different. This is a pain unlike any other. It is the pain of the possibly of losing someone close to me. I find myself holding onto any other thought other than that one.

They say that there are moments in your life that you would give anything to take back. I now have one to trump all the others I thought I had. I desperately want take back the moment when they said you were sick. Someone tell me what you want from me to erase this and I will do it. Anything. No really, please tell me what you want.

The pain is not for me. OK, I will admit that part of it is, because I don't want to lose you. But it is for everyone else more. It is for my Mom who deserves to be happy and you have given her something in this world that she should have. It is for my sister who has just a hard of time of dealing with this as I do. And this is for the one that knows you can walk on water. She deserves to know you in the years coming. She deserves to have that person that stands behind her no matter what and who she knows loves her with a love that has no end. I want her to have you now and later. I desperately want her to know what it is like to know a person who stood by us, never gave up even during those extreme cases of frustration and gave us a stability we had never known.

To me, I got a father figure of someone that would be there day or night, rain or shine, good times or bad, and whether you had somewhere else you wanted to be or not.

So, I am angry. I am angry that you are sick. I am angry that there are people out there who are bad, and hurtful and bring nothing good to anyone and yet they are fine. I am angry that I may possibly lose you when I don't want to. I am angry because I am scared that you may leave.

I am sad that you and we are all hurting. I am sad that you are hurting emotionally and that you don't deserve this. I am sad that for once things were going according to plan.

This roller coaster takes me to great heights and depths over an over again.

When 'they' say life isn't fair, 'they' were so very right.

In My Head

2011-10-28T11:02:00.002-05:00

I have these conversations in my head all day long. They are random and continuous. They often are about nothing, just something that has triggered a memory or just a diatribe of no particular interest to anyone but me. The thing is that since I talk in my head all day, I am less likely to want to talk to other people. I often feel like I am all talked out when it comes time to talking to the significant other. I see no way to make changes. I suppose it is just who I am. Like right now, I am talking to you in my head, not speaking an actual word but we are having a conversation. Funny how that works.

Women Drama...

2011-04-05T10:46:00.002-05:00

I would like this to be less like a rant and more about an issue that seems to be fairly common. I now understand the stereotype that women often get of being pouty or whiny or acting like a diva. Recently I went on a trip with my significant other, another couple and a female friend of the couple. I can honestly say that I enjoyed the trip but it was in spite of the other women. I find myself being disgusted by women who act childish when they are unhappy instead of just dealing with it or fixing the problem. It is like taking children along on a trip. Only this time you cannot swat them on the butt and put them to bed. I tried to not let these women ruin the time. The guy and I walked slower and tried to put distance between ourselves and these other people. Later that evening we had a nice quiet dinner sans the other members and truly enjoyed the mature atmosphere.

My issue is with these types of women. I do understand where the stereotype comes from now. I now get the reason why men think that women are so full of drama. What I don't understand is why these women think it is acceptable to act this way. The rational side just does not understand how this behavior solves anything.

All in all it was an enjoyable trip. My lesson learned is to be careful who I travel with in the future. I acquired some memories and life lessons all in one trip. Yay for me.

I don't want to read about your research....

2011-03-31T17:07:00.003-05:00

I love science and I love my job.

I do not love the fact that we are underpaid for the commitment that we give.

But more than that I have learned that I hate reviewing grants.

I love my research but I don't want to read yours.

I know that this is selfish but I find myself struggling to get through other people's ideas.

I suppose this is mainly because I am so busy trying to stay focused on my own work that trying to figure out the research of someone else is extremely frustrating.

No offense of course, I am sure it is as awesome as mine! :D

My Many Thoughts...

2011-03-31T16:54:00.002-05:00

I always laugh off the comments that people make when they say that I don't listen. I laugh this off because for the most part it is true. I do have the horrible habit of only partially listening when people speak to me. It is not to be rude but more the fact that at any given time I am absorbed in something playing in the background of my mind.

For today:
1. Research. Some people have the luxury of leaving work and forgetting about it until the next morning. This is not the case for me. I haven't had that luxury in over 10 years. The most constant thought in my head is what am I going to do next? Do I have the drugs/chemicals? Do I have the time to get it started and finish before my next meeting? How will I analyze? What if it significantly disagrees with what I have? Do I need to sign up to use the core facility? Did I remember to send out the emails for meeting with collaborators? What is my week plan? What is my month plan? What is my year plan? What is my 5 year plan? What is my 10 year plan? This is always on my mind. I am always trying to move forward. How will everything impact my career goals? How do I stay on track?

2. Family. Family is always a thought in the back of my head. When will I see them again? Do I need to buy a plane ticket yet? Do I have the money for the ticket? How many days will I be able to stay? What have I missed in the six months I have been gone?

3. Friends/significant other. My friends and boyfriend are an important part of my life. I enjoy spending time with them all. My thoughts always come back to what I will be doing tonight. Have I spent time with both of them? How do I make them all happy?

4. My wonderful crazy zoo animals. Yes, they take up space in this crazy mind. Mainly because the speak the loudest on what they want. They typically do this my destroying my apartment.

So to all of you that I only half listen to...I apologize. My attention is always divided and I do try to focus...I really do!

Happy Birthday

2011-03-22T14:23:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to you.

I can honestly say that I have always had more hopes and dreams for you than I have had for myself.

I have hoped that you would be happy and have a life full of love and laughter.

You have always been that one person that I love more than myself and because of this, I wish for you to be truly happy in who you are.

So on this day that you turn 28, I hope you are happy. Not with the things that you can buy but in the people that you know will be there for you with life's many ups and downs.

I hope that today is better than yesterday and that tomorrow will be better than today.

You are truly someone I could not live without, so today is a celebration of another year passed.

Happy Birthday to you!

I love you!

What I would say to you if only I could...

2011-01-07T17:39:00.003-05:00

What I would say to you personally if there were no repercussions from you toward other people...

General Interactions. You are mean and selfish and I do not like you. You have been rude and disgusting for years and you make me sick on the way you treat people. You are not the catch you seem to think you are. I find the way you think you are entitled to everything to be so childish. It is almost as if you are mentally handicap and beyond reasoning and self-reflection. I truly believe that there is something mentally wrong with you in the fact that you can be so oblivious to the effect you have on other people. I would think it would be obvious that the room changes when you are around. People previously laughing and enjoying the time become morose and irritated over nothing in particular.

Motherhood. Being a mother is more than popping out a baby. How can one sit on their butt all day, dirty dishes and generally mess up the area around them and then feel perfectly fine with making their children clean up after them when they get home from school. YOU ARE HOME ALL DAY, GET OFF YOUR BIG REAR-END AND DO IT YOURSELF!!

Respect. Get some for your self. Get some for the people taking care of you. As a strong woman, it makes me sick to see a week one taking advantage of people and crying victim. For once in your life, get a backbone and stand up. You make me sick. I find the fact that you can mooch off of other people disgusting. But what is more disgusting is the fact that you are teaching your children to do the same thing. They are as lazy and disrespectful as you are. Way to be a great parent.

Integrity. You have none. You lie without a conscious. You take money from someone and when you don't spend if for that purpose, you keep it. Technically that is stealing. You disgust me. See the respect statement above. I find it so sad that when asked of the people that actually do care about you whether or not you could really be trusted, they say No. When push comes to shove, it is obvious that you would throw anyone under the bus if it serves you in some way. That I find sad. And once more, you are teaching your children these same qualities. So very sad.

Entitlement. For some reason, you think you are entitled to things you didn't work for. You are not entitled to do as you please with money you didn't make just because you live there. You are not entitled to use the electricity in a limitless fashion just because you live there. You are not entitled to dictate the rules or object when someone else is paying the bills. You are not entitled to let your children talk disrespectfully to other people just because they do not respect you. Maybe, just maybe, you should shut-up and say thank you to the people that work all day to make money to support you. Maybe if you had learned the value of working hard and naturally from that the value of a dollar, you would somehow understand what it means to work hard for something, anything...then maybe you would understand just a little.

Family. You are family, but wouldn't be if I had a choice. I do not like you. I am saddened at the way you treat other people and angered at the way you disrespectfully treat those that are supporting you 100% percent.

Advice. Grow up. If not for the sake of you finally becoming something, then do if for your children that are becoming miniature versions of you. Please don't let your children become something that everyone else has to take care of too. Please!

Family

2011-01-07T17:35:00.002-05:00

I find it sad that sometimes you just do not have a choice in the people that you must tolerate.

I find it sad that you must be friendly with people that drive you to the point of insanity.

These people, ones who change the dynamics of a room just by breathing in the said room.

I find it sad for me that I must endure people who are so selfish and self-involved that they cannot realize that they ruin the days of others just by being around.

As you must have figured out, someone in my family annoys the crap out of me.

Why we need more women leaders...

2011-01-07T17:09:00.002-05:00

This is a must watch for all women...Why we need more women leaders.

Inspiring.

Another disadvantage for women

2011-01-07T15:25:00.002-05:00

I read an interesting article, “Regrets of a stay at home Mom” and found myself sympathizing with someone I never would have expected to sympathize with. I have always been and probably always will be a strong supporter of women. Although, I must confess that I subconsciously separate women into two categories: women with children and women without. This is only because of my lack of children and my lack of ability to understand or sympathize with women who do have children. While unfair to categorize, I think I do this mainly because I chose a life without them and enjoy my life how it is. When they say it is different when they are your own, I hesitate to believe that. What if it isn’t? Can I give it back? Thus, I am more times than not unsympathetic to women with children. I find almost all children extremely annoying and somehow these children are always sticky. This I do not understand.

But I digress. More importantly to the topic, I think there is another disadvantage that women have to face. Here is another consequence of being a woman and trying to be equal only this time they are also falling short of other women who have never had children.

The article was written by a woman who is recently divorced and has two teenagers. Her narrative describes her panic of not being able to get back in the workforce after being a stay at home mom for so many years. I find myself going back to the same line over and over again: “Now my ex, still a reporter, is making $30,000 a year more than that (being there same salary years before), while I have been passed over for jobs paying $20,000 less.” She explains how there are a lack of jobs out there and how a woman that has been out of the workforce so long has even more odds against her.

We all know that women make less money than men. We know that women get promotions at a lower rate and are often for less money even when offered. But now women who are mothers are at an even greater disadvantage to the lower paying jobs than the women who are not mothers. We knew that there has always been a bias to women within child bearing age due to the fact that many of them need a few weeks to take care of a new born baby, but it seems that even when the children can drive themselves to college, there still is that bias toward these women.

The point I am making is that I think only a woman can understand what it feels like to know you are given less credit for saying the same thing a man says AND you have to prove yourself first. It is often that respect is automatically given to a man while a woman has to earn it. But now, while already having to take two steps for every one male step, women having children have to take three steps to keep up.

I cannot imagine what it feels like to be a single parent, with limited funds, little to no chance of finding a job that can pay the bills and no foreseeable solution to fix the problem. And all due to the fact that you stayed at home to care for your children while your spouse worked. But now that you are divorced, life carries on fine for the spouse while you are quickly going up creek without a paddle.

All I can say is that this makes me sad.

Losers

2010-11-23T17:26:00.001-05:00

Do you ever wonder who the real losers are?? Well I am here to tell you...

THE ONES THAT SIT HOME ALL DAY WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT ANNOY PEOPLE TO WRITE THINGS TO ENTERTAIN THEM!!

LOL...

Love ya of course.

:D

What I learned this week...

2010-11-12T15:40:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I said I would write frequently but for some reason that just doesn't seem to happen. I blame the dog. No seriously, I blame the dog since he keeps eating all my shoes, bra's, underwear and whatever house plants I have left. I spend most of my time chasing him and cleaning up after him that I have no time left to write my thoughts down. Shame on you for thinking it was an excuse with no merit.

But on to the purpose of my post...

What I learned this week (and from last week as well since I forgot to post) is that:

1. No matter how much education you have or how much you know, someone will make you feel extremely stupid regularly.

2. While I am not observant in the least, sometimes this can be a good thing.

3. There are still nice good guys out there (thought it should be said since I met one and he has clued me in onto the fact that he reads my blog!).

4. Even though you love family unconditionally, this doesn't mean that you don't what to hit them with a large stick.

5. THE MOST IMPORTANT: I thought that I was pretty good at playing it cool when I didn't necessarily like someone, but as it turns out it is more than obvious even to people who are less observant than me. Uh oh!

And so life goes on....

The wrong guy...

2010-11-03T17:23:00.002-05:00

I have explained in many past posts that I date the wrong guy over and over. Interestingly, each one fills a new niche and I am not making the same mistake over and over and over again, but a new mistake into a new area. Case in point. The last guy I dated, we will call him Phil, was an educated man and seemed financially responsible. But with every guy, the wheels come off at some point. With Phil, I should have seen this when he finally told me he still lived with him Mother. Yes, you read that correctly. Phil is in his mid-30's and still lives with his Momma. I tried to be understanding when he gave me the sob story about being laid off from his well paying job, going almost 8 months without a job and having to move in to keep from losing everything. OK, I am not completely heartless and tried to understand. I will point out that in my head I was screaming, "But that was over a year ago!!!". However, this stayed in my head.

Now let's jump forward months into the future. Phil and I are exclusive. He only mildly annoys me (but all guys do so nothing new there) and we see each other almost every day. At this point you would think Phil has to know me at least a little. We talk, I share and we discuss pretty much every topic. So I ask this of you, how in the h@#& did he not know that I wouldn't want to give up my career to raise babies (and yes that is plural..somewhere around 5)! In a few discussions with Phil, I learn that he wants me to cook all the time, take care of him (he stated that that is what he is looking for) and sees our relationship as 60/40 and that is a compromise for him. I actually thought my head was going to explode.

I am sure you can guess that Phil and I broke up. Big surprise there!! In a discussion after the fact I finally let him know what I thought about all of THAT.

It is during this discussion that he informs me that I am not feminine. As a woman I am baffled. I wear skirts, put on makeup and occasionally fix my hair. So what exactly does this mean? I am glad you are also wondering this!

So I ask Phil to please explain (I did not say it so nicely to him though, I am cleaning up the language of course). He then proceeds to tell me that I am not feminine because I do not want to do womanly things. And by this he means cook, clean and constantly ask him how I can take care of him. He also informs me that I am too smart, too independent and do not make men feel needed. It is this last piece that is what really got him going. Boy, did this guy go on an on about how he didn't feel needed and how I had hurt his manhood. At this point I heard quite adamantly about how I would never find a guy because I didn't know how to keep a man and how the fact that I could take care of myself was wrong for a woman. He explained that no guy wants a woman like that. Hmmm...interesting.

Well Phil and his manhood went bye-bye back to his mom's house. I guess no one can take care of him like his Mommy!!

Damn, do I pick them or what!

And ladies, he was a well-educated engineer in sheep's clothing. Beware.

Questions we all ask...well at least I do....

2010-11-03T16:30:00.003-05:00

I like to think that we are all inquisitive about the vast things in life. I truly hope I am not strange in wondering the things I wonder. I recently started looking for books or websites that might help to answer those questions. Here are a few questions that I finally found answers to.

Why does the milk in the fridge never taste as cold as water or juices? Well, I am glad you asked. As it turns out, they are all at the same temperature but the milk has fat solids and is perceived to be not as not as cold as other liquids.

Why are labels on magazines placed upside down? Baffling, yes! Well again, I am glad you are just as curious. As is turns out, the labels are placed upside down to accommodate the mail carriers since all magazines are bound on the left-hand side. Most mail carriers (as with most people) are right-handed and therefore will pick up the magazine with their right-hand to read the label. This will turn the magazine upside down and the label right side up. Voila!

What is the difference between the ocean and the sea? This one really got me. Never understood what the difference really was. As it turns out, an ocean is larger than a sea. Thus, size delineates which term is used. Hmmm...begs to ask the question of what the parameters are.

Where do all the missing pens go? Sadly enough readers I cannot explain this one. No one seems to have the answer. I imagine there is a large place full of pens enjoying the time off. I would write that down for future reference but you can imagine what the problem is....

To all, I hope this answers some of those nagging questions you have pondered for years. I will try to answer some more of life's great mysteries in the near future. Ahhh, so many questions....

Dear Emma

2010-10-22T00:37:00.002-05:00

I find it hard that you are already 3 years old. You are your own little person with complex conversations, most of which I can follow. You listen intently like your life depends on it and laugh at the silliest of things. I am glad that in 6 months time you do not forget me. So much changes so quickly and I am sad that I miss so much. I hope that in the future we will be as close and you will know how much I love you. See you as Christmas and until then keep the Karma alive with your Mom, she deserves it!

We are who we are...

2010-10-22T00:12:00.003-05:00

I wonder if we ever really know who we are. I say this because there are so many times in our lives that we think that we can't possibly handle anything more and then we find the strength to forge ahead.

So, does this mean that we always underestimate ourselves or that we just don't know how dynamic we really are? I would like to think that we just don't truly understand all that we can endure. And here, I don't mean as women but as people. There have been so many times that I thought I was standing on the edge with no where left to go only to realize that I couldn't even see the edge from where I was standing.

You might be asking yourself where all this is coming from. Especially since my life is pretty good at the moment. Well, all this comes from a moment of insomnia and my restless mind trying to figure out who I am.

I have always had a pretty good idea of exactly who I was but a few things have surprised me lately. The first is that I am more passive in relationships than I ever thought I would be. I try to make things work and make the best of who we are instead of walking away like I know I should. That is surprising for me. With this, I also learned that I am like a container filling up with water over time and at some point I will fill to the point that I cannot take anymore and I will be done.

I also learned that the things that I thought I needed so bad, I don't really need at all. While this all sounds so cryptic, I promise that it is not. I just think we all have those few things that in an algebraic equation we would call 'x' that so many things can be substituted into here. I have found that one of my 'x' is acceptance. I didn't realize how high on my list this was. I guess I was so focused on someone that could make me laugh and have intelligent conversations that I forgot to ask for someone that accepts me as I am. I now know that it is important above all else.

I am not going to change and cannot love someone that could ask me to do this. For if I do, it will kill me. Plain and simple. I will not be me any longer and if that should occur then I won't know who to be. Me not being me would just be sad.

What are the odds..

2010-09-17T20:32:00.003-05:00

In a sad way, I find this whole situation so very funny. First, I have spent years of my life not dating or having any relationships that might in some even small way interfere with my schooling. I have been so focused on my research for 6+ years and preparing for a strong future in science that I have not even seriously considered a particular person. I have planned and plotted on who and what I wanted to be. I have a vision of a successful and productive scientist, running a lab and bringing in grants to further my career.

The funny thing is that now that have time to actually date and put effort into some sort of relationship. But now I find guys that want me to stay home and take care of them. The humor is not in the beliefs of these guys but more in the fact that they find me. ME. Of all the people they could meet, they find me and want to change me. They want a woman that will stay home and turn into something I have never even thought of being. Me. Someone who wants to learn and grow on a daily basis. Me. To stay home and plan and cook their meals and focus all my energy on them. Me. To cook and clean and wash clothes with nothing else to stimulate my mind. Me. To mother them and their children. I am supposed to feel like this is all that I could want and value this above all else. Someone like me when I have spent more of my life outside relationships than in relationships.

I find it funny that of all the women that these guys could choose, they choose me. Of all the women that they could meet and want to be that person, they find me.

I find it disturbing that in some way they think I could be this person. It's as if they haven't heard a word I have ever spoken. It's like I'm not even there.

What are the odds that they find me. I find it funny. How could you not.

What I learned this week...

2010-09-17T20:13:00.002-05:00

So many lessons to be learned, it feels so hard to keep up sometimes. This week was no different than so many before.

I learned that many men are all the same. It doesn't matter how much education or professionalism you have only that you are a woman and will be treated that way.

I learned that while I value relationships and being close with another individual, I value my space and time alone more.

I learned that a sense of humor can you get you out of a very uncomfortable situation.

I learned that boyfriends come and go but friends and pets are there for the long term. I learned that this is OK and when the door closes, all will be fine.

I learned that when things start going right with my work, my boss changes his mind and gives me a new project that takes me away from the other one to make sure I don't get any work done on either. I learned the meaning of frustration.

As with each week, a valuable lesson is learned that we grow from. This week, I drink and grow later.

Cheers.

Frustation with guys and expectations...

2010-09-14T11:01:00.003-05:00

As like so many times in the past, I find myself dating the wrong guy.

So I ask you. At what point do you wake up and realize that he is not the right person for you?

For me, I think I realize this point when we have a very pivotal conversation about future expectations and my role as a woman. By this I mean, he states that in the near future there will be children and I am expected to stay home for multiple years to raise these future children. My problem is not the staying home but more the expectation that my life will go on hold while his will not. This may not be a problem for most women, but for me this will drastically and negatively impact what I have worked so hard for. Not to mention, I don't even think I want children. But somehow this was excluded from the conversation. So I find myself fighting with an imaginary husband over imaginary children and somehow I am losing. What happened to full partnership and working through problems together instead of gender roles and traditional expectations. Isn't it obvious that I am not a traditional woman and I do not recognize any designated roles? I suppose this is more a rant on why we move forward in time and still move backwards in what is expected from women.

So, here I am once again deciding to abstain from dating. I am hoping in 10 yrs or so things will have improved. Till then, I enjoy the cats and dog.

Yes...The correct choice

2010-04-27T11:37:00.002-05:00

It is not often that we know for sure whether our decisions were the correct ones or not. I however know that long ago I did make the correct choice. In a previous post written many years ago, I wondered if my thoughts and reasons from so long ago were on the right path. And now, as I look back, I know I made the right choice.

He was my person. My person to confide in and turn to. He was my person that anchored me when life wanted to sweep me away.

The correct choice

Today, he is my anchor and the one I turn to for advice and run to lick my wounds whatever they may be. He is happily married to a wonderful woman and he has the life that he always wanted. I am happy for him.

Today like so many years ago, I have my best friend and my person who is my anchor. I could have lost him all those years ago had I decided to take the other path.

Even given what might have been, I would not have it any other way and I am thankful that he is still in my life.

Dear God

2010-04-27T10:58:00.002-05:00

Dear God,

I feel that I must write to you personally upon this very important and crucial issue. While it is important to cure world hunger and diseases I feel that we must tackle something on a somewhat a smaller scale. If you could please, and it doesn't have to be immediately mind you but in the very very near future, teach people how to merge. I have a feeling that you have turned off that instinct in people that prohibits them from merging onto the highway. It is much like watching children playing jump rope with an individual waiting for the perfect time to join the game.

While this may seem like a small issue to you, this has become a very important issue for me. Actually this seems to be driving me insane. I seriously question the intelligence of said individuals that feel it necessary to stop completely and wait patiently to pull slowly onto a busy interstate or highway. While this seems rather insignificant when compared to the rather critical topics listed above, I am putting in my request now just in case you get a break in solving all the other problems.

Thank you in advance,
Seriously Frustrated and Going Insane in San Antonio

What I have learned this week...

2010-04-27T10:44:00.002-05:00

I have learned that we must work hard to find pleasure in life because those around us can take away a sense of fulfillment and happiness.

I have learned that we must all work hard to be happy and to be happy with what we have. A continual of wanting more only works against the happiness we all keep waiting for.

I have learned that friendship can make any situation better and bearable.

I have learned that even closer to ones goal and dreams still leaves a sense of 'what next'.

I have learned that I need more self-reflection to fix the many thoughts that arise from my past.

But most importantly I have learned that I cannot change those around me and I must somehow learn to accept them for who they are. This I find to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

Merge

2010-03-30T21:19:00.003-05:00

If there was one thing that I would teach the world, it would be how to merge. It seems that so many people do not understand how to safely and at a reasonable speed to merge. I find unlimited frustration with the lack of this ability. While it is not necessarily the easiest thing int he world, it does not require a college education. First and foremost, KEEP MOVING! This is very important for ht sole fact that it inhibits the backup of traffic for miles behind you. Trust yourself and keep moving.

Sincerely,
On the verge of road rage in San Antonio

What I learned this week...

2010-03-28T21:42:00.002-05:00

Each week I feel that there is a new lesson to be learned.

This week was a very humbling week for me. While I am not the type of person to feel that they know it all and could not possibly learn more, I realized how much I need the others around me to learn all that I need. I find it so sad that so many educated people feel the need to show superiority over others not as well educated. I was humbled by the technician that knows so much more than I will learn in the many years to come.

I learned that learning something so new and far removed from what I have ever done is very intimidating. I also learned to swallow that intimidation and move forward to learn the cool things in science.

I learned that friends make life changing moves not so scary. I realized that I am truly lucky by having friends in the new city and being able to connect with them like so many years ago. Time and distance does not necessarily diminish a friendship. This makes me feel better for my many friends all over the country that I would hate to ever lose.

I most importantly learned that one can be completely happy with no home to call their own (staying with friends) and no expensive possessions to keep them entertained (other than this laptop of course but that has become a necessity and not a luxury). :D

What I learned this week...

2010-03-20T17:36:00.002-05:00

This week I learned that there are not enough hours in the day.

I learned that no matter how much coffee I drink after 4 pm, I just cannot think properly.

I learned that no matter how much you want to learn and understand something, innundating yourself does not always work.

I learned that not getting frustrated at my lack of ability to do something does not help me do that something. It only makes me frustrated!

I learned that while wanting to have my space and start my life as I should, I find myself hesitating to make things more permanent.

And most importantly, I learned that people are mostly stupid when it comes to driving on the interstate and I am glad they cannot hear my say all those horrible things to them.

What I have learned this week...

2010-01-07T21:01:00.003-05:00

I had a talk with myself (yes this happens often and no I don't want to talk about it)a few weeks ago and decided that I would make a commitment to writing more often. As you can see, life got in the way once again. It's not that I lack discipline, it's just that when I finally do get home at the end of the day, I am exhausted. Trying to figure out to eat dinner or not takes the last bit I have in me. But regardless, I will make the effort. I must.

So here is what I have to share with the world on my inconsequential musings about life and all the reasons why I want to jab forks in other people's foreheads.

What I learned:
1. When I feel that people aren't listening, they often are and I get myself into trouble. Really? Now you choose to listen to what I have to say when what I just said was inappropriate??

2. Family is there to tell you the things you hate to say out loud. I made a huge mistake last year by choosing to put up with the person I was in a relationship with. I suppose I ignored much of the bad behavior because my everyday life was difficult and exhausting. I know that I should have ended it sooner. I know that we were very ill matched. I now know the extent to which my family despised him and the extent in which they supported me even when the thought I was making a mistake.

3. Children are sponges. While the rest of you may not think this is something big, I do. Mainly for the reason that I have never really been around them nor did I ever really want to be. But I now know that they will tattle on you faster than you can find a way to bribe them. Careful around those little spies!

4. Puppies are fun when they are not yours. I love dogs and animals in general. But they are exhausting and annoying much of the time. I will admit I do enjoy watching them torment other people since I am not responsible for said puppy.

5. Just because you plan and want something, doesn't mean when you get it you will be happy. Often times getting something means giving up something. Right now I am having a hard time giving up the something to get the something. I know, I know, speaking in riddles is annoying.

6. Sledding is fun at any age. Over Christmas, I put on my ski pant and grabbed the toboggan (and metal ironing board) to go sledding down the driveway. We were mature about it. We put the child to bed and had fun at one in the morning doing nothing more than pushing each other down on the ice.

I hope that I can maintain a commitment to writing on a regular basis, if not only to just keep my sanity by talking to someone other than the cats or houseplants. We are safe, neither answer back to my questions yet!

Ramblings...

2009-12-11T23:40:00.004-05:00

I have been meaning to write this post and many others similar to it for some time now. I run the thoughts over and over again in my head, always meaning to stop and put them to text. I don't know what stops me each time, I suppose laziness. Not wanting to take the time to turn on the computer and wait for the right page to show up. So instead, I talk to myself. Turning my thoughts over like I am having a conversation with someone. Sometimes I chuckle, having to acknowledge that that comment was pretty good.

I wonder if people ever really know other people. My gut instinct tells me that there are the rare few that really know someone else. That point where you know what they are thinking or how they will respond even before they begin to give a clue. I am not sure what made that pop into my head. I suppose just some of my rambling thoughts. I seem to have so many of those these days. Just different paths that I jump off of and onto another.

I was sitting here thinking about what I learned this week. The funny thing is is that I do that pretty much very Friday. I run over those moments this week that in some weird way taught me a new lesson. Good or bad.

So what was it this week? Well let's see...

This week, I learned that never assume that education means intelligence. While not surprised at the immaturity of some graduate students, I found that I was really disappointed that I will be lumped into the same category as some here. To hear the juvenile and close-minded views is nothing less than appalling. I am ashamed this week.

I learned that letting go to move forward may be harder than I thought before. I have said goodbye before, but now it seems even harder. I have begun to prepare myself only to find that I may not be able to.

I learned that expecting things from people you never expected things from before will only cause disappointment. There was a reason you didn't expect anything from them previously. Stick with that.

I learned that cold weather makes my memory foam bed really hard and that I should think twice about jumping onto it in the cold future.

I suppose nothing groundbreaking...just me.

Dear Friend....

2009-07-09T18:04:00.002-05:00

I see the wisdom in your words..there is always a brighter tomorrow. You are also correct in the fact that this town has not any tall buildings. I can only hope that I fall off the roof and some horse accidentally steps on me. While this place lacks activities and excitement, it doesn't lack for entertainment. Sadly enough that entertainment is trying to figure out what the people are saying with their heavy accents and made up words. Come on already, where do you get those words from? Prolly? WTF? Turns out that means probably. Who would have guessed. Not me, that's for sure. Friend, so glad to hear you are enjoying the weather even if post-doc land is hell. By the way, where do I buy my ticket?

Sincerely,
Looking for a Hick dictionary in KY to understand the language

Dear Friend

2009-07-09T11:44:00.002-05:00

I am writing to let you know that things took an unexpected turn recently. Unfortunately the direction was down. I know, I know you thought I was already down there...but nope..still farther to go. The last hope for the job I wanted was ripped from my clenched hands. Mentally imagine chubby girl fighting for that last twinkie...this is the same struggle. Do not worry, I am not looking for the high buildings just yet. This turn of events will give me more time in Kentucky...oh wait, maybe I should go look for that tall building. Got to go..just downloaded my map.

Sincerely,
Facing the fear of heights in Kentucky

Dear Friend....

2009-06-25T15:14:00.002-05:00

Dear Friend,

I was just thinking that isn't it funny how life doesn't turn out how you thought it would. Even more specifically how things you don't see coming slap you right between the eyes. I find myself laughing over things I never would expect to laugh over. The most rent example is the total lack of good guys in my life. I go from having a good relationship (or so I though and lots of self-deluding with that) to finding out what a horrible person he is, only to follow that up with a very nice guy I am pretty sure is gay. I suppose the nearly twenty or so dates without so much as a kiss should have been a clue. But we both know I am not the best a picking up on the hints. Hello, the previously mentioned relationship should have filled that quota. To add insult to injury, I do find a very nice guy only to realize that he is totally and completely not the guy for me. I could not find a more unsuitable person for myself. But truth be told, the home cooked dinners and compliments are a nice bonus in spite of all the other stuff. And just to kick a girl when she is down, I have learned that friends can surprise you in not so good ways and that some of those surprises can be overcome while others cannot.

So to sum up dear friend, life has shown me what the inside of the crapper looks like. I laugh because that is all one can do these days. All in all, I cannot really complain since my family is good and I do have good friends to talk to at the end of the day. Many of these things I find amusing. Actually I spend the last hour piecing things about each one of the mentioned guys together to make the perfect guy. Luckily enough I made him mute.

Talk to you soon,
Your living in a crapper friend in Kentucky

Which path to choose...

2009-03-27T12:53:00.003-05:00

We all stand at a cross road at some point in our lives, wondering which path to choose. In so many instances conflicting emotions often play an important role.

As I stand her I wonder what is best. One path is lead by my heart, telling me the obvious choice, while the other path is lead by my head. It is the latter that is repeating the many things I have known for a while and those things to come. It is in this place that I stand and cannot get the two to agree. So in this struggle, which do you choose? Which do you follow?

I feel that in either case I am losing and remain rooted here knowing the inevitable but not stepping down the path I should....

My Friends

2009-03-25T10:22:00.006-05:00

There are friends that come and go. We have all had them and all lost them. And then there are the friends you know you want for a lifetime. I have those friends. I know this because I get excited months in advance when we plan to meet and feel a lonely loss months after it has passed. With these friends I can be me. I do not pretend to be someone else or refrain from saying what I like. This is most important. I can be me and they can be them and we can laugh until the tears roll down our faces. I miss them. I miss the comfort of saying nothing and I miss the laughs that keep us smiling for hours.

So to my friends, thanks for more memories and I can't wait until we make some more. Stay safe over the long distances that separate us.

I Do Not Understand

2009-02-25T22:12:00.002-05:00

I do not understand so very much in this world. I do not pretend to understand or know more than I do. What I do understand is that you cannot trust people. If you give them room or the opportunity to hurt, they will not disappoint. Trust. Such a simple word, easy to spell, easily taken and impossible to get back. Why is it that so many think "I'm sorry" is a magic band-aid that will help with the healing. This is not the case. Words mean so little when so much has been done. I do not understand why some cannot see what lies before them, only what they realize they left behind. I do not or maybe cannot understand why life has to hurt over and over again.

Change

2008-11-05T14:15:00.002-05:00

We all have different opinions. Some of us feel very strongly about issues while others could not care less. No matter where we stand on political issues, we all have a stake in the future of this country. I for one am scared at the recent past. I am frightened at what my future holds. I welcome the change in a new direction for this country and hope that the future looks brighter than the present. My hopes are riding on this new President. Please pave the way for a brighter future and the jobs I hope that are available in the very near future when I will need one. Congrats to the new President-Elect and please make some changes. At this point, the possibility of a job after all these years of school is slim to none at best. Fingers crossed.

The Questions we ask ourselves

2008-10-28T19:06:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we ask ourselves those tough questions. The ones that stop us in our tracks and make us think. I ask myself what do I really want out of life. For someone that has always had it all planned, the answer doesn't come as easy as it should. I want happiness. But what does that really mean. Does that mean I want that great professorship I have always wanted? Does that mean I want a great relationship? It seems that the two do not go hand in hand these days. It's almost as if you have to give up one to get the other. In fact, I firmly believe that you do. To get what you want professionally, you have to give up personally. I have given up that way for years and it seems that now is no different. Sometimes life seems so unfair, or is it really. These are questions I go back and forth on. What do I really want and what am I willing to sacrifice to get it. Only the future will tell I suppose.

My dilemma....

2008-05-13T22:44:00.003-05:00

Here is the dilemma. What does one do if they do not bring a need to a relationship? By this I mean that often times one individual brings something to the relationship that the other cannot provide. This may be the ability to fix things around the house, or work on the car or even the skill of cooking. But what of the other with no such desired, yet lacking, skills? How does one go about discovering something that makes them needed? Can one survive in a relationship when they are not needed?

I do understand that want and need are very different. One may want to be in a relationship and care about the other very much. But, how does the lacking individual make up for the obvious skewed relationship. Is this something that one just ignores and lives with the fact that 'want' is present and 'need' is not needed? This is my dilemma. How does one stand on equal ground when they feel they require more of the other than the other requires of them.

The Visit....

2008-04-02T10:19:00.002-05:00

Dear You,

The day has come and gone. My friend has left. I can only describe that I am sad. The days while she was here made life shift back to its rightful place. But upon leaving, all has gone the other way once more. She leaves a hole here in Kentucky. The laughter has died as well as the excitement of doing nothing at all significant and enjoying every moment. I miss my friend.

Sincerely,
Once again sad in Kentucky

My Best Friend.....

2008-04-01T12:15:00.003-05:00

As I lay in bed I replay parts of our conversation. He understands me. He allowed me to be the dreamer that I have always been. He understood these dreams were more than passing thoughts and were what got me up everyday and pushed me to be a better person.

Over the years we have had many of these same conversations. It all started so many years ago...somewhere around 12 years ago. Almost a lifetime ago. I remember telling him my dreams and hopes for the future. Pouring out my passion for life and animals and all the things that I hope to accomplish. He encouraged and told me I could do it. He told me that there was no ceiling for me and nothing too high to reach. I remember those late night conversations like they were yesterday.

Now years later, I tell him that one of my dreams have come true. So many years ago I remember talking for hours about meeting the one person I look up to more than all the others and how I wanted to be just like her. He is happy for me. He sounds so happy you could almost forget that it wasn't his own dream.

I call him my best friend because I can be me. I have poured out my passions for so many years I cannot forget he has lived each step with me. Now, all these years later, he is still standing right beside me telling me how happy he is for me. How can one put a price on someone as great as this? You cannot, this I am sure of. This great friend is one of the few that have pushed me along and told me to remember why I am putting myself through all of this. He is also the one I turned to when things fell apart. The hours he spent reminding me of who I am are moments I could never repay. While he is so proud of me, he forgets that he is one of the reasons why I was able to be who I am today.

In addition to the support, he is one of the few that have put me back in my place when I may have become a little to above myself. He grounds me while picking me up at the same time. I love him for so many reasons and could not live without a friend like him.

Our conversation only reminds me all that we have shared and hope to share in the future. To my best friend, I say thank you and I love you very much......I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

A moment undescribable...

2008-03-27T23:03:00.002-05:00

I stand only a few feet away. My heart is beating so fast it feels as if it might explode. I can barely hear the dull roar surrounding me. I feel the tears at the edge of my eyes, any moment spilling over. I feel my nerves ready to spring out of my skin at any second.

We move closer.

The feeling intensifies. I can barely breathe. I almost feel as if I am suffocating while trying to not cry tears of joy at this very moment. In a few moments, my life will change.

We move. It is time.

I approach. I lay down my book and picture for an autograph. She is here, mere inches from me. I have dreamt of this moment for so long that is seems to be ingrained in who I am. A dream that is so much a part of me that I forget when and where it began. I am meeting a person like no other. Every dream I hold coming back to her. In this moment, life stands still.

I look her in the eye. I tell her that I have idolized her research since I was 8. That she alone is and always has been the reason why I dream what I dream.

I feel the tears so close to spilling. I lean in and take a picture with the most influential science person in my world. I cannot believe that the one thing I have always wanted for longer than I can remember is happening. I feel as if I could fly.

Jane Goodall. For many, you will never understand the connection and absolute undying respect for this woman. You will never understand that so much of who I am is tied to this person I have never met. That she alone is everything.

I have met Jane Goodall, told her what she has meant to my life and had her sign my book that I have read a hundred times on chimpanzee behavior.

What does one say to another that has shaped and molded not only your life, but thousands, if not millions of others? I suppose all that comes to mind is 'thank you'.

She is an inspiration and I have dreamed of a day I could meet her. That day was today.

While she spoke tonight, she talked of the people that lead her to be who she was and what she did. She details those she admired most and those that supported her the most....her mother. This we have in common.

I sit and listen. She speaks of her role models, the people that supported her and encouraged her to go after what she wanted no matter what. She talks of those that shaped her future. While she explains those she admires and thanks the ones playing major roles on her long journey, I say those words back to her. Today, I have met my role model. The person that shaped my scientific career. The woman that showed me that lack of money, nor education, nor the female sex was something to hold you back from your dreams.

While she talked of those shaping her life, I was thinking of how she shaped mine. And when she talked of the one person in her life that she admired, respected and was the greatest influence on her life being her mother, I had to agree. This we have in common.

So here is to an amazing woman.....who came from nothing, worked toward her dreams no matter the obstacles and had an amazing mother to stand beside her.

Jane Goodall, my role model and example of a woman in science that I would be honored to follow.

My Hero....

2008-02-24T12:41:00.001-05:00

I have accomplished much in my life so far. I have had the ability to go after what I love in life. Along the way, I have found role models in the science world that set an example to follow. Since I was a child, I have been in awe of Jane Goodall and all that she has accomplished. In my eyes, she has managed to have it all. She sets an amazing example to follow.

However, she is not my Hero. There is another that has always been the person that I look up to, strive to follow and sets the example of the type of woman that I want to be. This woman is everything that I wish to be and I hope to become.

So....Mom, you are my hero. You have always been my hero. I can remember writing about my hero in the 8th grade and telling about how great you were then. I described how you worked a full day, raised a family, studied at night and built a house in the spare hours. In the years since, my admiration has only grown. I can honestly say that I would be nothing without you. You have always been in the shadows picking me up when I needed it, ready to catch when I didn't and my biggest fan when I made it.

I know you struggled for us, sacrificed more than you are willing to confess and gave up dreams of your own to make ours come true. When the weight of the world rested upon your shoulders and threatened to come down time and time again, you held it all on your own. And when the world did crash down, you were the pillar of support never once faltering. For so many years, you stood there silently, taking what life dealt and always protecting us from the world. I think I understand more than you think, the price you paid for this sacrifice. I understand the life you could have had and the things you gave up for us. More importantly, you never hinted or acted like you would have it any way. I know you have regrets. Don't. We do not. Sarah and I would change nothing since it made us who we are and the bond that we have. Had things been differntly, our relationship between her and I and also us and you might have been too. Life is something you learn from. We have have learned how to be strong. We have also learned the value of family, unconditional love and loyalty. You have given us an example.

Here is something you probably didn't know. I had always planned on going to college because you wanted to and could not. Initially, I went for you. I wanted you to be so proud. I wanted to do the things that you always wanted, but life took away from you. As the years passed, so did my reason for being there. I started to go to school for me, for the things I wanted, but mostly, for the things you told me to go after. So, all that I have accomplished is because of you in so many ways.

So I guess saying 'Thank You' is not nearly enough for all that you have given me. You have given me a future, a chance to go after my dreams and the support no matter the path I choose. But most of all, you gave me a Hero.

You are and always have been "The Wind Beneath My Wings" ....and there are no words to describe what you mean to me.

I Love You more than words can describe.

All Seasons in One

2008-02-24T12:08:00.002-05:00

April is in my mistress' face,
And July in her eyes hath place,
Within her bosom is September,
But in her heart a cold December.

-Unknown Authorship

How To Describe The Feeling....

2008-02-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

Depression. Not so much.
Sadness. Not so much.
Exhaustion. Most likely.

Sometimes life can take up every last second that one can forget what it feels like to breathe.

Dreams. Goals. Passion. These are one in the same. They can overwhelm the soul so that one loses where one thought ends and the next begins.

At this moment, I forget what tired feels like. I have long past that point. When gazing behind, I can no longer see the point in time that tired existed.

Only one that has given all they have into dreams lived with every breath can truly understand the utter bereavement of exhaustion and the utter joy existing in each second of each day.

Ahhh...life is painful and sweet in the same single moment....time stops and speeds ahead simultaneously. The present makes one forget time while at the same time leaving a fear that it is moving to fast.

Depression. No. Obsession. Yes.

What Do You Do....

2008-02-05T23:57:00.000-05:00

As the mood of late that I just can't seem to lose, I wonder what others do when they find themselves questioning everything that they have always just known and not stopped to consider.

What do you do when you question....

Where you are going?
What you are striving for?
What the future holds?
What will become of you?
What does this all mean?

But mostly....
Who you are?

How I Spend My Nights...

2008-01-31T22:34:00.000-05:00

When all the world sleeps...I think about all that is possible. As the pattern of late, sleep eludes me. Not just a night here and there...but every night. This new custom leaves me tired, yet provides so much time for the thoughts I seem to never ponder. As many may know of me, I strive on organization. Not just a stack of papers here or there, but full fledged labels and straight edges. It just seems to make my world work as it should. So, I will confess that the many sleepless nights have lead me to organize the lab mentally since my advisor fights me in reality. If he only knew what he is up against now. With so many hours to plan and thwart his resistance...he doesn't stand a chance.

After the many hours of planning of late, the last few nights have lead to the complete remodel of my back room which houses all the research organisms. And so one might not think that I have research in mind, it also lead to many new and innovative ideas as to make projects more efficient. The undergraduates are very pleased these last few days. You might wonder where I have time to accomplish all of this, well...there is no reason to rush home since sleep eludes me, I have many hours to put these thoughts into action.

So, to keep tally so far...Back room complete, middle room started, other experimental room underway, actual lab which will cause advisor heart attack...just started...baby steps...but all will come soon enough.

Truth be told...I worry what I will do once I have accomplished all that I have mentally planned these last few days. I suppose there is always data analysis, but that is not nearly rewarding as moving around rooms and righting chaos into organization.

I revel in all that I have accomplished these few days. I cannot express how hard it has been to move things slowly as to not upset advisor. You may think that I exaggerate, but those in the lab know differently. One example that many of us will never forget (or my advisor since I tease him) is the time I only moved a single bucket in middle room to clear a place to walk. The said bucket of interest contained sand and truthfully only made a journey from the floor straight up and placed on top of the refrigerator. This bucket literally only moved 4 feet vertically. However, upon walking in this room, said advisor yells loudly and rushes to the place this bucket had been only moments before. Advisor questions emotionally to the location of said bucket..and all I had to do was point. I have never laughed so hard and we joked for so long about the gold that must be hidden in the sand. Why else would someone become so passionte over a bucket of sand?

Thus, you must now realize the wall of what I am up against. Each step is met with resistance....with me knowing that only if he could see what I can do...he would be very happy. This has been a slow process, which is finally making a differece. Tonight, I cleaned and condensed half the lab...and grudgenly, advisor admitted it looks good, as well as, although he has some panic as to the things moved, most are close to the original location. This is a great start...

I will now let you in on my devious plan. You see, this is how you get them lulled into a false sense of security. One cannot change the world in a single night (and I think that convincing advisor to reorganize might actually be harder)!

So for those of you that wonder where the progress of my research fits into all of this work...I say...never you mind...it is next on the agenda. First, the impossible...while simultaneously preventing heart attack of advisor.

I am woman...you better watch out before I label your socks....

Life Lately...

2008-01-30T20:38:00.000-05:00

Dear You,

Amazingly enough, life doesn't change all that much in Grad School. Each day starting like the one before...just trying to cross things off my to do list. I am sad to say that the list grows longer and the crossing off is barely noticable. It seems that at every moment and around every corner, something stands in the way of me and my research that is urgently needing to be done. With so many undergraduates asking their million or so questions and time consuming smaller projects...I feel that I am going to be here forever. Although I suppose I could just be tired since it has been many hours in the lab today as seems to be the pattern....I worry I may forget where home is.

So, my thoughts just express the annoying, yet strong feeling of unproductiveness, eventhough each step I complete is progress in its' own way. It just seems there are to many steps to get the results I need.

Sincerely,
Whiny in Kentucky

Sad....

2008-01-25T16:48:00.000-05:00

In a conversation concerning the last post, it was said that one shouldn't throw something away over an instance that will seem silly in a few years. As I do agree with the comment, I find myself wondering how one would pick up the pieces and not wait for it to break again in the future.

As so often, people pretend that there is no problem and wait for time to mend these hurts. I am afraid that this is not possible. With each passing day, I find myself drifting further away like a rowboat being carried away by the current, far from where I used to be. I allow this to happen. I don't have the strength to fight...I have given up. I don't have it in me anymore...the past has become to much. I am done.

You see, once a person has cut so deep, I feel that it never truly mends the same again. I can only assume that the street was one way. History repeats itself...that I can't ignore.

Trust is a delicate thing. Once shattered, you can mend, but it is never the same again. You will always hold a part of you back waiting for the moment you are not important again, when the world will let you down.

I feel a part of me has been lost. A great sadness I thought I would never feel again has again reminded me that no matter how far you go or how few you love, there is always a moment to remind you that you are alone. My moment has come.

So as I sit alone, miles away, I wonder if things will ever be the same.

I am sad....I feel that there is no other way to describe.

Pain

2008-01-22T08:33:00.001-05:00

Pain. No one can inflict it like family, while no other can soothe a hurt with just a few words. But what of the ones that share the same blood who only consider themselves without picking up the peices behind them. While family can pick you up when you are at your lowest, they can also send you there without speaking a word. Pain. Those that can cut the deepest often do.

Wise Words...

2007-12-24T09:15:00.001-05:00

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

by
Oscar Wilde

Bear In There

2007-12-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

by Shel Silverstein

There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.

He is by far my favorite Poet...if only poetry had been this fun in High School.

Human vs. Environment

2007-12-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

I must ask what must occur for people to understand that the environment cannot always bounce back from over-use. When will all realize that their are limitations to everything as well as a fine balance in nature that cannot be swayed too much in one direction?

I am saddened by the state of the oceans and the results of over fishing. We (all countries) imagine the ocean to be an endless supply of food. There have been so many times in the past that environmentalists and scientists have warned about the consequences of actions only to be proven right while those opposed scratch their heads. We are on the verge of this same situation again. Overfishing around the world is a large concern. It affects every country and most individuals, especially when a fundamental food source is no longer available. For this reason, I am concerned about a recent article in New Scientist magazine, "North Sea cod quotas raised against scienctists advice". For a few years we have seen a decline in North Sea cod. Due to so many environmental factors, many juveniles were not making it to the adult stage where reproduction occurs.

However, this past year the numbers have slightly increased. While this is a good sign, the excitement is premature. There are often years where there is an increase that does not correlate to actual numbers of the species increasing. The increase needs to be consistent across years not in single years. Thus, the area of concern comes from the North Sea fishing quotas being raised by 11% this year biased solely on a fluctuation not consistently seen. It has been advised by scientists to reduce quotas for the past years to allow this species to recover. No one would listen. Ignorance like this leads to major problems and possibility of the most severe of consequences: extinction.

When will business learn to listen to those that understand the environment. You can't maintain a fishing business without fish!

"Male Semen Makes HIV More Potent"

2007-12-14T18:46:00.000-05:00

An article in American Scientific describes the fascinating results on components of male sperm that enhances the transmission of HIV.

German scientists found a component of human semen may facilitate the spread of the virus by targeting immune system cells, in some cases making the pathogen up to 100,000 times more virulent. The co-author Frank Kirchhoff, a virologist at the University of Ulm Clinic in Germany explained that they had in initially set out to determine if semen contained factors that inhibit the HIV infection.

Most enhancers have maybe a two- or three-fold effect, but here the effect was amazing—more than 50-fold and, under certain conditions, more than 100,000-fold.

Kirchhoff and his team screened through many of the 900 proteins found in seminal fluid in their hunt for potential inhibitors and enhancers of HIV transmission. Among the enhancing factors uncovered were fragments of a protein called prostatic acid phosphatase that is secreted by the prostate gland. An analysis of the peptide's structure in semen indicated that it hooked up with similar fragments to create amyloid fibers (clusters of protein fragments that have also been implicated in diseases such as Alzheimer's). The scientists refer to the amyloid fibers as "semen-derived enhancer of virus infection" (SEVI). If they do not link to become fibers, the researchers report, the peptide segments remain inactive and do not enhance viral transmission. The HIV with the semen component was five times more effective at transmitting the virus. In situations where low levels of virus are transferred—as during intercourse—Kirchhoff says, SEVI can make HIV up to 100,000 times more likely to spread when compared with the virus alone.

Postdoctoral fellow Nadia Roan, along with Warner Greene, a senior investigator at the University of California, San Francisco's Gladstone Institute of Virology and Immunology, wrote: "If SEVI truly increases the real world heterosexual spread of HIV by several orders of magnitude, then negating the activity of this factor could conceivably diminish these frequencies to levels that might virtually eliminate semen-driven HIV transmission."

As many know, HIV infection is increasing with each passing moment. Although this article promises no easy answers, it is however research that could be a stepping stone into saving lives.

Political Similarities: Hitler and Bush

2007-12-13T15:52:00.000-05:00

Since reading an article and also watching some very interesting documentaries on this very subject, I have started to find many, too many, disgusting similarities to the political strategies of Hitler and Bush. I have recently found an article that nicely points out some common points between the two "rulers". The following quotes come from Wayne Madison and are supported by facts and pieces of history....check them out for yourself if you are a non-believer.

Adolf Hitler would be proud that an American President is emulating him in so many ways. Hitler, it will be remembered, routinely ignored his military, other world leaders, and the clergy. Bush seems to think that this policy, which ultimately failed for Hitler, will work for him.

From the Vatican, Pope John Paul II fires a shot over the bow of the Bush administration by declaring, "war cannot be decided upon, even when it is a matter of ensuring the common good, except as the very last option and in accordance with very strict conditions."

Bush, a so-called compassionate conservative and born-again Christian, can only find religious support from the same group of hackneyed pseudo-Christians, hate mongers, and religious cult leaders like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Franklin Graham, and Sun Myung Moon. Bush opts for this band of zealots and ignores South African Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu who asked, "When does compassion, when does morality, when does caring come in?" His words fall on deaf ears in the Oval Office.

Of course, there was once another fanatic war-possessed leader who tore up his constitution and routinely berated his generals and ignored their advice. On July 20, 1944, Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg strode into a conference room in Hitler's Wolf's Lair compound with a briefcase bomb. Although the plot to rid the world of Hitler once and for all failed, it confirmed that a number of Germany's top generals, including its most famous, Erwin von Rommel, were strongly opposed to Hitler's fanaticism.

Bush's borrowing liberally from Hitler's play book was not lost on Germany's former Justice Minister Herta Daeubler-Gmelin, who last September said Bush wanted a war with Iraq to divert attention from domestic problems. She added, "That's a popular method. Even Hitler did that."

Bush's disparaging of the United Nations, world opinion, and international statesmen is reminiscent of an April 28, 1939 speech by Hitler before the Reichstag:

"Members of the German Reichstag: The President of the United States of America has addressed a telegram to me, with the curious contents of which you are already familiar . . . The President of the United States believes that in conference rooms as in courts it is necessary that both sides enter in good faith, assuming that substantial justice will accrue to both. German representatives will never again enter a conference that is for them a tribunal . . . Mr. Roosevelt asks that assurances be given him that the German armed forces will not attack, and above all, not invade, the territory or possessions of the following independent nations. He then names as those to which he refers: Finland, Lithuania, Latvia,' Estonia, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, the Netherlands, Belgium, Great Britain , Ireland, France, Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Poland, Hungary, Rumania, Yugoslavia, Russia, Bulgaria, Turkey, Iraq, the Arabias, Syria, Palestine, Egypt and Iran. I have first taken the trouble to ascertain from the states mentioned, firstly, whether they feel themselves threatened, and, what is most important, secondly, whether this inquiry by the American President was addressed to us at their suggestion or at least with their consent. The reply was in all cases negative, in some instances strongly so . . . I have reunited the territories that have been German throughout a thousand years of history-and, Mr. Roosevelt, I have endeavored to attain all this without bloodshed and without bringing to my people and so to others, the misery of war . . . For my world, Mr. President, is the one to which Providence has assigned me and for which it is my duty to work. Its area is much smaller. It comprises my people alone. But I believe I can thus best serve that which is in the hearts of all of us a*" justice, well-being, progress and peace for the whole community of mankind."

As Congress cheerfully applauded Bush's State of the Union address, the Reichstag gave Hitler a thunderous reception. Although Hitler's oratory skills were light years beyond Bush's, the two speeches had something extremely fundamental in common-- they were packed with lies.

Now maybe you should read this article,"Bush and Hitler...Compare and Contrast"By DAVE LINDORFF

Is George W. Bush another Hitler? ....again..facts!
What are some of the Nazi-like tactics of the Bush administration?

Let's start with war-mongering. The American Heritage Dictionary, no bastion of leftism, defines fascism as "A system of government that exercises a dictatorship of the extreme right, typically through the merging of state and business leadership, together with belligerent nationalism."

Now we may not yet have a dictatorship, but we do have the extreme right with a solid lock on power in Washington today, and a glance at the top echelon of the Bush administration makes it clear that there is not just a merger, there's a thorough melding of state and business leadership in this administration. As for belligerent nationalism, what else is one to call a war of aggression like the one against Iraq, especially now that it's clear what most thinking people realized before the war even started--that Iraq had no significant offensive military capability, much less weapons of mass destruction. It was all a massive lie deliberately designed to scare the living crap out of an already nervous American public, so that they would accept the ongoing assault on the Bill of Rights being masterminded by Ashcroft. That strategy was vintage Goebbels.

Then there's the suspension of habeas corpus, right to counsel, and a host of other civil liberties. When American citizens like Jose Padilla can be clapped into prison--a military prison at that--with no charges filed, no access to friends or relatives, and no right to talk to a lawyer, we have crossed a line into fascist territory. Maybe we haven't reached the point of wholesale mass arrests and concentration camps (though even that, reportedly, is being contemplated by the proto-fascist Ashcroft, and we know who appointed that right-wing religious zealot and racist to his post), but once the principle of arrest without charge or trial is accepted by the courts, the move to camps is a quantitative, not a qualitative step. I would note that, Guantanamo, where hundreds of Afghan combattants have been languishing in horriffic conditions, is being turned into a concentration camp, and Bush has ordered the establishment of a kangaroo-court military tribunal assemblyline that ends with a gas chamber and execution, so maybe even that parallel will prove prescient.

What is particularly troubling about the Bush administration's enthusiastic foray into preventative detention and arrest without charge is that it is also appointing wholesale a group of federal judges at all levels who have little or no respect for such niceties as habeas corpus or the right to face one's accuser. Eventually, if this process continues, victims of Ashcroft's mad vendetta against civil rights and liberties will have no one to turn to but equally rightwing and perverse jurists like Antonin Scalia and his adoring acolyte Clarence Thomas.

It's worth pointing out too that Hitler was not the monster of 1939 when he took power in 1933. Indeed, when he first came to power, in the wake of the Reichstag fire, a traumatized nation saw him as a savior of the German government, which at the time was a parliamentary democracy. Even as he began ratcheting down the rights of the citizenry, and as his brownshirted minions and his gestapo began oppressing certain unpopular minorities and political enemies on the left, there were many, including in the United States, who saw Der Fuhrer positively (Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh come immediately to mind). So the fact that the Bush administration is not at this point a fascist government should not preclude or deter us from examining its behavior for evidence of fascist-like behavior.

The fundamental difference I see between the Germany of the middle 1930s and the America of today is that, even as many Americans sit on their sofas and absorb the propaganda that passes for news on their TV sets, there remains a vestigial notion of democracy and civil liberties, the legacy of over two centuries of American civil society. A significant percentage of Americans--certainly far greater than in Hitler's Germany in the years before World War II--are troubled by the current trampling of democracy and the Bill of Rights, as attested by the wave of towns and cities and even state governments which have passed statutes protecting the Bill of Rights against the Aschroft-inspired onslaught of the Patriot Act.

So let's make ourselves clear here. George Bush is not Hitler. Yet. America is not a fascist state. Yet. John Ashcroft isSwell, let's not go there. The attorney general, a man whose claim to fame is having lost an election to a dead man, is perhaps the leading edge of a drive in that direction.

I will clarify that I do not think that the Bush Admistration is planning another Holocaust, only that the strategies of manipulation are similar (fear, use of terrorism to pass laws giving more power to the government and less to the people, religion). From the past, we can see the similarites in the personal agendas which are shown to be more important than the long term plans for the country. Both of these leaders did/do as they please while using fear, religion and scapegoats (Jews and now Muslims) to blame past/current problems they themselves are responsible for causing. Although you may not agree with me, you will have to admit there are many similarities and digging further into history will only add further to the list. I plan on helping you see that list...stay tuned for future details...

"America has been subject to what can only be called antiscientific governance..."

2007-12-13T15:37:00.000-05:00

For those that have been paying attention and understand the consquences of what has occured these past seven years...this article in Seed magazine will not be a surprise.

"During the past seven years of the Bush administration, America has been subject to what can only be called antiscientific governance. Scientists have been ignored, threatened, suppressed, and censored across agencies, across areas of expertise, and across issues. Policies have gone forward repeatedly without adequate scientific input and sometimes in spite of it, and have subsequently backfired."

But for those who have been clueless...please finish reading the following article, Seed: Dr. President.

Moments That Stop Time....

2007-12-08T18:26:00.000-05:00

Do you believe that there are single moments in life that change the person you were into something that you become? I wonder if everyone can look back at their lives and point out a moment in time when they have changed forever. It's as if time has stopped for the person you once were and a new life begins. As I look back at the past, I often imagine I see myself traveling down a road and suddenly the road takes a sharp right turn into a completely new direction.

I have often spent many moments wondering what type of person I might have become had my life not take a few sharp right turns. But each and every time I wonder, I remember all that I have gained during those times. I know that some feel responsible for those moments in my life, but I speak to them and to me when I say all that we go through as people make us who we are. It may be hard for many to understand, but I like who I am. I honestly would not change anything that has occurred in my many years in this world. I will also admit all experiences have taught me the difference between what is truly important and what is only superficial. I have learned how strong I can be and I also can look around to see who is standing by my side. Those people made any part of the trip, past or present, completely worth it. Lemonade anyone?

An Amazing Stranger

2007-12-05T14:21:00.000-05:00

For so many years now, I have been the first to be a critic of how selfish people have become. This is evident when you see people passing up long lines in which people are standing to enter at the front of the line or even in driving when all are supposed to merge and instead of merging where one should, many cars cruise to the front of the line passing so many people that have been anxiously waiting for so much longer. We see this when we know someone is having a difficult time and we do not stop to lend a helping hand. I will admit that I will not stop to help a male only because it is not safe. But I do find myself helping a woman, especially if she has children or older and clearly in need of help. I always try to hold open doors and say thank you to anyone that does the same...and yet so many times we walk up only to have them slammed our faces by those going before us. I would say the worst that I cannot stand is when you stand in a long line in the supermarket, waiting patiently with many, many people before you and another lane opens up and the people at the back of the line go first. This is very impolite, especially when it is younger people that beat out elderly people waiting in line.

I can admit that I lost almost complete faith in humanity when it came to concern for others.

Until now...

Travelling over long distance by oneself is very dangerous, especially when travelling with a young child and even more so in the winter. My younger sister has made the trip between Illinois and Georgia (and back) many times of late. Each time we all worry endlessly until we know she has reached the other destination. Luckily enough, I reside in the very middle of this trip so she can make each leg of the journey in about 6 hours. Even though it is only 6 hours, many things can go wrong to make this a very scary trip.

My new hope for humanity comes after an incident that occurred this past Monday night....

My little sister (and baby Emma) were travelling from Chicago to Lexington and were due to arrive around 5:00PM. As the clocked ticked past 6PM I became worried and repeatedly checked for her car. It is then that the phone rings and Sarah is crying to point of not being able to breathe as she tries to explain that the car had stopped working while she was traveling 80 mph in the fast lane on the interstate. For all of you that drive regularly you can understand how scary this can be when you are powerless as Semi's pass faster than they should, closer than they should. In the moment of panic, she hits a bump in the road that causes the car to turn back on momentarily leaving just enough time for her to change lanes and coast to the side. It is at this moment that I want all to imagine what this moment might be like. First, you are on a stretch of highway miles from the nearest gas station, no cell phone, the weather is around 35 degrees F, large trucks and cars are travelling at very fast speeds inches from your car, you can't pull far off the road and you have a 5 month old baby in the car. I cannot begin to explain how terrifying this moment might be. Can you imagine the complete helplessness you feel for yourself and especially for your child. The options are limited consisting of walking in freezing cold temperatures with a child that may not survive such a journey for so long or to wait for a stranger to stop and help you. Although this option seems to be somewhat safer, you now have the concerns on the type of person they are and is their help sincere or did you just place yourself and your child in a very dangerous situation. While you worry about all these things, there is the constant nagging fear that someone will not be paying attention and may strike you and/or your car most likely killing you and your child. The thought of any of the above makes my blood run cold. I cannot possibly imagine. Any yet, my sister was in this exact predicament. She chose to try and flag someone down to help her knowing it could be a very big mistake, but the weather posed a very real threat to her and her child.

My sister was fortunate that it just so happens that a tow truck was travelling to pick up a call that night. While he was hesitant to stop and almost didn't, he did. He allowed Sarah to use his cell phone, hence the very distraught voice at the other end, while he loaded up her car and drove her in the direction of Lexington so that I could get to her sooner. This man not only let her use the phone many times but also dropped her and her car off at the automotive department of Walmart since it was still open. While this amazing man helped my sister in her greatest time of need, he even offered to stop so she could get some food since it was getting late. Once the car was unloaded, he waited as long as he could in case she needed the car towed to another location. One must wonder what a trip like this would cost. Initially in my conversation with him, he stated that a rate of $30.00 would be charged and that I could pay once I arrived there. But as the trip went on, he explained that he was blessed and she was having a very hard day and he wouldn't take any money for the service. I am speechless that this man drove her more than 30 minutes and to multiple places to find somewhere still open and refused to accept payment. When he left her, the reason for her car shutting off was unknown and neither was if Walmart automotive could even fix the problem. So here is where this man goes from being great to being amazing. He said he would check back that night to see if I had gotten there to pick her up and if the car was fixable. He also said that if the car needed to be towed to another location, he would come by tomorrow and take it to where she needed it for free. When she insisted that he take some money for his time and gas, he wanted nothing from her and only took a thank you as he left her life. As I spoke to this man on the phone, he portrayed the compassion he obviously had by casually explaining she was safe and he was happy to help.

So here I sit amazed, getting chills down my spine by the generosity of one man in the most direst of consequences that in my eyes saved my sister and niece. The horrific ways that the evening could have ended are infinite and I cannot convey my gratitude for this man being there that night.

So to this man, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart and you have single handily renewed my faith in humanity.

Einstein Quote

2007-11-13T16:57:00.000-05:00

I think this seems to sum up the state this country is in at the moment....

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.

Fool seems to fit nicely....intelligent must be from the people leading our leader!

My Love for San Diego!!

2007-11-12T16:03:00.000-05:00

For of you wondering, the trip to California was awesome. My lab mate (Actin)and I made a trip out there to attend the Neuroscience conference. I must first point out that this conference is in no way fun to attend. It is always too large with too many people (around 37,000). As you can imagine, going out to dinner sucks because you have to fight with the other 36,999 people for those few tables in those few good restaurants. Thus, you spend much of your evening waiting for food or even a refill of water, only to stand in line for the bathroom....it's a vicious cycle.

However, this year was great for soooo many reasons.

First and foremost, Actin and I were able to spend time with 'CC' since she has moved away and left us behind. We had a great time during our 'sharks' reunion with lots of margaritas (daily actually...just like old times!).

Second, we attended the zoo. The San Diego zoo is by far one of the best and I always visit zoo's when I am in a new town. I LOVED IT!

Third, we went to Sea World. It is always a good day when we see the whales, but I have to admit the best part was when we sat in the soak zone repeatedly without getting wet. On our last and final show we decided to tempt fate again. We should have known! The funny thing is 'CC' sat in the middle of Actin and I and got soaked while we only got mildly wet. The look on her face after was priceless...that is my favorite memory thus far. (Picture is pre-soaking...hehehehehe!!!)

Fourth, we went to the beach. It was a wonderful afternoon of playing in the water and talking about nothing important.

So to summarize, San Diego rocks and Kentucky sucks...who would have guessed.

Sincerely,
Miserable In My State With No Coast!

P.s. Zoo pictures by 'CC'

Is It A Holiday???

2007-11-01T13:10:00.000-05:00

Today my spirits are high...almost as if it were a holiday. In a mere matter of hours I will be boarding a plane and heading for the west coast...California, San Diego to be specific.

I will enjoy one week of Sea World, the zoo and so many moments of laughter that my side will hurt when I return.

Although I will be attending the Neuroscience conference, more importantly 'the sharks' are having a reunion.

There will be much drinking, laughing and letting the world pass us by as we so often did not so long ago.

So, I hope to have many adventures to share when I return....

Why do the catepillar and the ant have to be enemies?

2007-10-30T12:14:00.000-05:00

"Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies?

One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars.

Oh, I see now."

– Jack Handey

A great quote...especially if you are in science!

2007-10-30T12:06:00.000-05:00

"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good."

- Samuel Johnson

Rain

2007-10-23T10:49:00.000-05:00

My Favorite Poet says it best on a rainy day like today..

Rain

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand--
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

Shel Silverstein

Disappointment...

2007-10-19T12:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever waited for something, wished, dreamed and fantasized about that moment when you hold it in your hands....only to have those dreams crushed before your eyes.

I think there must be nothing worse than waiting for that moment to come when all will be right, only to feel lost when it arrives.

The moment when you feel complete with your greatest desire remembering all those afternoons dreaming about the future that awaits....

And now, you feel lost and alone...like is was all in vain....

I am disappointed....cable sucks...all those channels and nothing is on!!

Wonderful Friday...

2007-10-19T12:40:00.000-05:00

Today is finally Friday...I don't know exactly why I say that...it's just the feeling that comes with the end of the week. For some reason we look forward to it, even if we will be spending the entire weekend working...there is just something about Friday. Possibly is comes from the upbeat attitude of others...or possibly just our attitude of not having to see the others for a few days. Such a wonderful day...

Sorry For Your Loss..

2007-10-16T09:10:00.000-05:00

In March of this year, my beautiful wonderful dog Cia died. I think of her often and wish that she was still around. No matter the mood, she always made me laugh. When writing those blogs when Cia got sick and then later when she died, a fellow blogger expressed her condolences. I know she knew what if felt like and also understood the devastation that comes with losing a part of your family.

I am sad to say she is now going through the same devastation and pain that seemed to stop me those months ago. Pam has lost her cat Ladybug to cancer.

I wish her my condolences and hope that she finds a way to deal with the grief in a hard part in her life. There really is nothing that one can say except that I understand and wish it were different. I am so sorry for your loss.

She is a beautiful cat.

Most Awesome Handmade Puppetry Show!!

2007-10-15T16:29:00.000-05:00

What A Wonderful World!!

The wise...

2007-10-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

OK...I sooo stole these from someone else, but they are great.

I don't think it gets wiser than this....

Aphorisms by (Albert Einstein:

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

"There are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle."

"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."

"The aim (of education) must be the training of independently acting and thinking individuals who, however, can see in the service to the community their highest life achievement."

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."

I Miss My Friend...

2007-10-12T18:15:00.000-05:00

On days like these...we spent many hours talking over our beers about very important matters that often resulted in blogs hours later. So, dear friend, I wish you were here...these days are just not the same.

Sincerly,
Feeling Lost In Kentucky

So Unlike Me...

2007-10-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

As of late I have found myself being passive aggressive in a certain situation. For those that truly don't know me...this does not occur very often. I do and have always believed that being honest and straightforward is the best approach. And yet, at this moment I am not doing this.

So some of you may be wondering why I am holding back at all. This is a very good question. I find myself holding back because once the issue has been brought forth, things will only become more difficult. So what does one do in this situation? Some may call is cowardice...and I cannot say that I totally disagree. I suppose we hold back until we cannot anymore....so, until then....

Ok...this is not funny anymore!!

2007-10-10T09:35:00.001-05:00

I am passed the point where the irony was funny, now I just want my cable.

For the last few years, I have worked hard...very hard with one single goal in mind. I allowed school to take much of my time willingly. I got my Master's in less than two years, defended my thesis and immediately moved here for my Ph.D. Once I got here, I worked 7 days a week to move forward quickly to take my qualifying exam over a year early so that at some point I would be able to relax (relatively).

My one consolation for working so hard would be once I passed my qualifying exam...I would get cable and watch TV. I have been hanging onto that dream for years...waiting for the day my dear sweet cable would come home to me. Currently, I have 3 channels...2 are boring and the third is fuzzy.

Alas, I have passed my qualifying exam. I immediately called the cable company....only to be told

WE CANNOT SERVICE YOUR APARTMENT!!

WTF! It turns out that every other apartment in my building has cable...but for some reason they cannot bring cable into mine. And since my building won't allow me to put a satellite dish up and I am stuck arguing over the cable...

The irony is soooo not funny anymore...I want my cable!!

UPDATE....AFTER CONTINUOUS CALLING I AM FINALLY GETTING CABLE...AS IT TURNS OUT...NAGGING REALLY DOES WORK!!!

What We Can Learn From People Who Have Lived..

2007-10-08T14:59:00.000-05:00

It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Sometimes Life Isn't Fair...

2007-10-08T10:15:00.000-05:00

I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday. There are moments when reality slaps you in the face and makes you realize how precious life can be sometimes. For those that know me, they understand that when an animal is injured I cannot walk away. I have many many stories from my past where I have acquired an injured animal and with few success stories did the best I could to help them. This occurred yesterday.

As I pulled out of my driveway to pick up a few groceries I had forgotten, I was stopped behind a van that backed up a little and then went into the other lane around something in the road. I too moved over to go around only to look back and realize that this driver had hit a pigeon. The animal was flopping around in the road with obvious problems.

I of course, could never drive away and put the animal out of mind like so many other do on a daily occurrence. This is truly not physically possible for me. I immediately pulled over, ran down the street and made cars go around so that I could gather the flailing pigeon out of the road.

From first glance, the wings did not seem broken and there was no sign of blood. However, the animal did not seem to have a sense of balance which is not a good sign. I took the pigeon back to my apartment and spent the next few hours sitting on the floor, knowing that it's life was going to end soon. The pigeon was in shock and fighting for the last few moments of life, as I sat holding it in my hands.

My little winged friend passed away quietly as I talked to it yesterday. It was clear from the beginning that it wasn't going to survive the trauma of being struck by a vehicle. Even knowing this, I could not let it die alone in the road where it would most likely get run over time and time again that afternoon.

So while I sat holding an injured bird scared over its fate, trying to hold on, it gave me time to think about life and all that we have.

Having someone care and support you when you need them seems to be the most important part with the rest falling in somewhere as the small stuff.

When it comes down to it, who is there to help you is all that really matters.

Cowboys herding cats

2007-10-04T13:34:00.001-05:00

Very funny video...this is what I want to do with my life! Finally I've figured it out...

Spiders On Drugs

2007-10-04T13:31:00.001-05:00

Very imformative science video

Someone Special....

2007-09-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

In re-reading some of my past blogs concerning family, I feel that I have not mentioned someone that deserves the recognition. Many people will never understand this person to the full extent that is required. He is often hard to understand, stand-offish and may be a harsh critic at times. So why do I even mention him at all?

I mention him because, besides the things listed above, he is someone that will be first in line to defend his family, can always be counted on, has my best interest at heart and will stand by me when I need him. Whether it is for something large or small, he is and always has been one of the first people that I call when I need help. He is my Step-dad in all the ways that count.

I am sad to say that I never really had a father figure around to support and guide me when I was growing up. So, when my mother remarried, we all made adjustments. Initially, he was hard to understand and misunderstandings occurred. But as the years passed, he filled a role that had never really had a place before. He became someone that I could count on, ask advice and turned to when I knew others would not be there.

I look back now and try to understand exactly when I stopped thinking of him as the man my mother married and just saw him as family and then more importantly as a step-father. I came to realize that it happened much earlier than even I realized. I sit now and remember all those moments that didn't truly register, mainly because I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was in the moments that he felt the same anger or sometimes even more when I had been wronged. It was also the moments when he stood to do battle against those that had hurt me, while trying to act as though he wasn't. With the falling together of all the pieces, I realized that I had gained someone that I had never had before. A protector when I needed it and a leader when I lost my way.

But the most startling moment came a few years back. It was in a random moment that I truly realized what I gained and had been missing all along. In this moment, I understood that he acted like a father all the time, not part of the time. I actually stopped and sat when I also realized that I never doubted his commitment and promises given to me. This was a monumental moment. I could honestly say that other than my mother and sister, I had never trusted anyone else's words or promises made to me. I had finally found another person in my life that could be trusted.

As I sat reflecting, I understood the significance of what lay before me. I came to the startling realization of the fear that I had and still have concerning someone not showing up when they say they will pick me up. I realized then, that I never had that fear with him. From the very beginning, I knew that he would always do what he said he was going to do and I never doubted him, not even now.

So, I clarify my error in not putting a spotlight on a significant person in my life. Someone that has stood closely by in the good times to support me and still stood there in the bad times when I fell. Some will never understand this person, but I cannot say he has not added something previously missing in my life. He has been and always will be a missing piece of the puzzle making the picture complete.

Spite

2007-09-26T09:16:00.001-05:00

Yes Spite.

I have those moments, maybe more than others that I wait for the opportunity to return a favor bestowed upon me. I am not proud, though I do laugh over my many little spiteful moments, that I feel the need to in some way even the score. These are not horrible things that one would notice. More just my way of standing on the sidelines and smiling at something small.

Yes, it may be petty but they asked for it. One such occasion occurred in the past. My roommate was a very interesting girl. I was living in a neighborhood where I did not fit in at all (piece of rice in the raisin box) and you could say that I stood out. Well, my dear roommate liked to point out how I wasn't and had never dated a raisin. This really made me popular in the neighborhood. Along with the many uncomfortable comments by my dear roommate, I also came to realise that she had been stealing from me (money, parking pass, etc.). I confronted her, we had our fights, she blocked all my calls and forgot to tell when my friends and family called. This lead to more fights, more drama and I was getting nowhere. Thus, life was pretty unbearable. But, dear stupid roommate made a very careless error. She was stupid enough to date multiple guys while still having a boyfriend from where she was from. Yes, the golden ticket.

The dilemma, how to 'accidentally' set the trap. The idea came just out of nowhere at the right moment, with the fateful phone call. Said roommate was not home one afternoon and boyfriend called. I nicely asked each of guys names that she was currently dating, trying innocently to identify the caller. Oh yes, score one for the good guys.

As you can imagine this sparked some fights, between said boyfriend and her, and of course between her and I. But, luckily being the mature person that I am, OK...well maybe not, tried to keep the peace but hide my things. We spent many more months like this, with her still being the same and doing the same things and me being angry over the drama. Weeks later we were in the same position as earlier and she had a whole new group of guys. This is where things became interesting, golden ticket number 2. Will she never learn?

While said roommate was out, a few of the boys called to see if she was home. I kindly explained that she would be back soon and told them (yes, all of them) that she said that they should feel free to stop over around 6 to see her. I was so surprised (and so was she) when 5 of her men all showed up. The funny part is that they showed up one by one and didn't know what to say or do so they just all came in, sat and watched TV together. No one talked. Now, that was an awkward evening (for her and them...obviously not me!). I sat out there with them and smiled, trying to carry on polite conversation. They were so rude!

So, as you can see, I tend not to scream, yell and carrying on with the drama. I feel that one should sit back and view the situation to find the best solution. I am sure there is a prophet or something out there somewhere that would suggest this very thing. I am sure this is what they meant.

Quiet Moments

2007-09-26T09:14:00.000-05:00

I like to be alone to just listen. As a child I spent many hours sitting in the woods with my eyes closed listening to all the sounds around me. Today is no different. When the opportunity arises, I sit in nature, eyes closed trying to hear all aspects of nature that I have missed. One cannot understand the different languages spoken when the wind blows, leaves rustle and the birds call unless they have taken the time to sit and just absorb life around them.

This quiet interlude in my life always seems to reset something inside that has shifted out of balance. It is in these moments that I try to remember who I am. To understand why I love what I do and how I can dedicate such a large part of me to something others take for granted.

In these moments, I find me. The one who was temporally lost in the everyday movements we call life.

Family...ahhhh

2007-09-25T10:13:00.000-05:00

You can never really tell with family. To be honest, I don't think that I could pick a larger group of people that don't know who I am at all. Something has to be said about the miracle that I can be in room full of people that are all related to me....and yet aside from my mom and little sister...not a single one really knows who I am. Granted...I may not be an open book about everything. However, if there is one thing you should know about me, it should definitely be what I love above everything else. Seriously, take a guess at what I have dedicated most of my life to. Go on...go with the obvious!!

OK, there may be many of you out there that are still skeptical, so let me give you a few examples of what some immediate family members think I am doing with my life.

Bachelors Degree:
By paternal parentage
"She loves animals...and she's been in school for a long time...She wants to help animals and talk to them. I'm sure she's going to be a pet psychiatrist....she really wants to understand them!"

Older sibling
"Who knows...she just goes to school...she thinks she so smart...she wants to be a veterinarian or something".

Master's Degree:
By paternal parentage
"Well, she's back in school...and she really wants to be one of those little biologists." After confusion by the other, he explained. "You know...something with animals and stuff...I can't really remember the name....oh yea....a microbiologist!"

By older sibling
"I thought she graduated...now what is she doing?...Shouldn't she have graduated by now?" (She went to my graduation!)

FYI. No, I am not wanting to be a pet psychiatrist (nor did I ever), or a microbiologist (don't do anything with bacteria) or a veterinarian (think that was in the 5th grade). To date, I like the physiological aspect of animal behavior. So, if you run into my family members, please kindly explain what this means. Promise it will be an enlightening experience (for you!).

So, can't wait to hear what they have planned for me now!

Responsiblilty

2007-09-25T09:47:00.000-05:00

A weight upon the chest.

A shackle attached to the ankle.

The shadow that never leaves.

Sometimes suffocating, while sometimes a close friend.

Expectations...

2007-09-25T09:39:00.000-05:00

We all put expectations on ourselves. But when are these expectations to high? I often see what others put themselves through based upon what they expect from themselves. It's funny that I can see in others what I cannot see in myself.

I have always expected more from myself than I would ever expect from another person. I understand much of what I feel is almost impossible to do, and yet I do not change my expectations.

So I ask you this, where do we draw the line? When should a person realize that some expectations are more harmful than good? And, how does one change something so ingrained in who they are that changing would seem to be just as unlikely as the lowering of said expectations.

I write this because I find that I expect so much in so many areas that they contradict each other. And still, I try.

Well...

2007-09-24T11:00:00.000-05:00

I like to think that I know exactly who I am. Actually, this was the one thing that I was always sure about.

And yet, I surprise myself regularly through contradiction.

They said life wasn't easy. I just assumed that I wouldn't be the source.

Damn.

Uncertainty

2007-09-23T15:52:00.000-05:00

We all have those moments or days where we are just uncertain. Uncertain about what we feel now, why we feel it and how to resolve these feelings. With this, it may also bring uncertain feelings about how and what the future will hold.

Today is one of those days. I sit and stare trying to figure it all out. But as of yet, I am uncertain of what I am uncertain about.

The only thing I am certain about is this feeling I can't seem to understand or identify. Thus, since I am one that does not like uncertainty, I wish to resolve this uncertain feeling immediately. This I do know!

The "O" Model of Actions

2007-09-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

INTRODUCTION
Well, Yesterday's seminar here in the Biology Department had the potential to be very interesting. But as you can probably guess, it was big on the boring side. The talk seemed like it was going to be interesting since it was concerning Polar Bear Survival in the melting ice environment. The talk started out interesting enough but lost my attention around minute 30. However, do not despair, we always find ways to entertain ourselves. It is not surprising to the others in 'the sharks' that Dr. Labcoat nicely passed the time for us. It is based upon his 'actions' that we have devised the 'O' Model of Actions.

Dr. Labcoat is a pretentious windbag that spends more bragging about himself and how great he is than actually getting any work done or helping his graduate students. It was during a previous seminar that we noticed that Dr. Labcoat likes to perform certain 'actions' on a regular basis. And by actions I am including nose picking, teeth picking, ear cleaning, scanning of the crowd and the ever so often crotch adjustments. Now, you may think that everyone does a wipe here or there. Casual cases such as these are not considered in the model. We have designed the model based upon intensity of such actions, so as not to contaminate the pool of data. Specifically, only data points clearly showing an 'action' are used as a representative of the data sample pool.

MATERIAL AND METHODS
To understand the model fully, we have counted such actions over a set time period and will conduct statistics to gain a more comprehensive view of total actions within the entire seminar period. We do this for two reasons (1) I paid attention to the first half of the seminar, (2) Because the study subject might notice us staring at him and see my continuous giggling into the sleeve of my shirt. Thus, the data gathered will represent 20 minutes of the observational trial.

RESULTS
Actions:
Nose Pick ( 19 )
Crowd Scan ( 11 )
Crotch Adjustment ( 2 )
Head Scratches ( 3 )
Ear Picks ( 3 )
Teeth Picks ( 3 )
Crappy Jokes ( 1 )

The Model:
(# of nose picks - ear picks)/crowd scanning = the 'O' factor coefficient
(# crotch adjustments - # head scratches) / # crappy jokes = the 'Z' factor coefficient

[(# teeth picks)('O' factor coefficient)('Z' factor coefficient) / time (min) ] = 'O' Model of Actions

Graphical Statistical Analysis
# of nose picks over time of seminar shows an exponential increase with time.

DISCUSSION
Simple summary suggests that:
Dr. Labcoat had 57 picks in an hour totaling almost a pick a minute, with a head scratch and ear/teeth pick every twenty minutes. Luckily, we will be treated to less than 2 crappy jokes within the seminar, but he will notice us laughing at him about every 5 minutes during his crowd scans.

Thus, it can be concluded that Dr. Labcoat is disgusting, yet entertaining during seminar time. Future research will examine if self-awareness occurs during such actions in future seminar.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Actin, Other Graduate Student New to Study and past "shark" members present in spirit.

Flight of the Conchords- Business Time

2007-09-20T12:10:00.001-05:00

A certain someone introduced me to the Flight of the Conchords. They are hilarious...

Hey There, Delilah (Edited Version)

2007-09-20T12:07:00.001-05:00

WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW BEFORE WATCHING THIS ONE...

This is a spoof on the video shown in the post before this one. I like the original song, but I have to admit this one is much better...ENJOY!

A Song To Share....

2007-09-20T11:48:00.001-05:00

Just sharing one of the songs that I currently like....

Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah

And You Said He Was Too Old!

2007-09-20T10:55:00.000-05:00

I Love Football and it just doesn't get any better than the Green Bay Packers!!

Well, for all you doubters out there that said my man should retire and that he is too old to play the game any more...you are soo wrong. Last Sunday, Brett Favre showed the country he still has what it takes to make the plays, score some touchdowns and just all around show off his talent. So for those of you still making fun of my football team, I ask you this one question, "How is your team doing after week two this season?".

I continue to show support for my team, never ending up as one of those fairweather fans cheering only when they start looking good and not showing continued support through the interceptions (yes, there were many). So in the spirit of the game, I wish your team well (unless playing the packers, because then I wish them to lose) and hope you have an eventful season (but not better than my team).

I would like to point out that the Packers are 2-0 so far and played nicely against the New York Giants last week. I am hoping this Sunday shows the same results against the San Diego Chargers (1-1). I am optimistic since the Chargers offense seems to being having some issues already.

Most importantly, Favre has become the winningest quarterback in NFL history. He has 149 wins and is just 4 touchdowns short of beating Dan Marino's record of the most touchdown passes.

So to all of you out there that make fun of my QB......pfffft.

Remember and Imagine

2007-09-19T09:27:00.000-05:00

On my walk in this morning, I reflected on my life five years ago. I thought about how much I wanted my life to change and the plans I was making to allow it to unfold.

Today, I sit here doing exactly what I have always wanted to do, completely happy with my life. I remember the person I used to be and I am so glad she is a moment in the past.

For the future. Since I was imaging this day five years ago and where I am today, I started to wonder about five years from this day. I have so many questions as to what my life will be like then:

Will I be happy with the choices that I have made?
Will I love getting up each and every day for the work that I do?
When I look out my windows, what will I see?
Will I have any regrets?

At this moment in time, life is good. I hope to always have that feeling.

A Letter...

2007-09-17T15:30:00.000-05:00

As with anyone, I have many drawers containing stuff shoved away carelessly. Recently I was cleaning one of those storage drawers in my apartment and came across two letters. One written by me and the written to me. As I sat inside the closet reading moments from my past, I remembered the emotions that went with both. With each one, I sat there in the morning sun taking a walk down memory lane...reliving moments that I am glad have come to pass and thinking about the moments that led up to both of these very emotional letters.

For the first. I wrote this letter to let the words express my anger and animosity towards this other. From the first line, the words seem to take on a persona of their own, screaming and ranting as if this person is standing before you. In one big long paragraph, I spilled all those hurtful and forceful thoughts that I had held in for so long. I can clearly remember a sense of relief after I signed my name to this declaration. While calculating all the consequences of my actions, I felt justified and satisfied with the ending.

Although I meant every word written through each revised copy, I also remember placing this letter in the drawer to rethink the damage I was about to inflict on another. I can say that maybe I regret this, but the letter was never sent. Maybe I should have....

I remember writing those daggers that would forever separate this person and I and did not care then...nor do I now. Even years later, I feel that anger.

For the second. This took me to a much different place. A place I had left and never looked back to. As I sat re-reading this letter, I remembered this person and what it must have taken to pen the words upon the paper. I also remember those moments leading up to this fated letter. I sit and revel in the time and feelings that I sequestered away all those years ago. In this short note, scribbled upon a piece of notebook paper, one cannot miss the feeling that defeat has won. Although the feeling is apparent, the carefully chosen words portray someone that has finally given up and is ready to walk the other way.

You may wonder why I chose to save both of these letters. The first is to remind me of the many wrongs committed by this person in the past and the other is to remember a life that I chose to leave behind...

guitar

2007-08-31T13:30:00.001-05:00

Awesome Guitar playing

Religion: Under attack in US?

2007-08-24T13:37:00.000-05:00

I was reading an article of people's responses on whether or not faith was under attack in the US. As a small side note I must point out the disturbing fact of the geographical separation of ideas. Not surprisingly, the southern part of the United States produced some of the most illogical and close-minded views toward faith. Specifically, I want to scream every time I read or hear how this country was founded on Christan faith and we are suppressing that today. For those that think this....it is so far from being correct, we have passed the line labeled ignorant. In fact, history will show you a the exact opposite. Apparently history is not a subject taught much in the south (except the Civil War over and over and over again). Amanda Akridge of Macon, Georgia shows just this ignorance..

"I believe our country was founded on Christianity and now we live in an anti-Christian country. Morals, faith, and family values have been pushed aside for materialism and "what feels good" antics. We can give freedom to other religions to worship; but prayer and any talks of Christ have been taken out of our schools. I say this because I am a teacher and it is heartbreaking to see what our children go through due to the lack of faith that America was founded upon. I do not have any pictures of how I worship -- I just close my eyes and pray wherever I am and as often as I can."

I know that anyone reading this post will assume my criticism comes more from my tainted view based in science and less from a logical, well-thought out view on religion. While much of my opinion is based upon scientific evidence, most of my view comes from the wrongness of organized religion and the acts committed in the name of God. In addition, much of my opinion is based upon case after case of hypocrisy that is somehow ignored time and time again.

The point of all of this lies in one persons opinion that I feel represents exactly what I think on this subject. Not only do I not think religion is under attack in this country, I believe it needs to be attacked and clear lines separating church and state need to be defined. Paul Woodward of Tokyo, Japan writes the following,
"Faith is a wildly overrated virtue. Its results add enormously to the weight of human misery as we humans follow in blind faith, without pause for rational thought, the sacred texts written at a time when we thought we lived on a disc rather than a globe. Faith results, amongst other things, in opposition to stem cell research, the mutilation of the genitalia of infants, the desire to kill homosexuals, the oppression of women, the spread of HIV through religious opposition to the use of condoms and the justification for flying jet planes into skyscrapers. Give me a skeptical enquiring mind any day over one muddled and obscured by faith."

Faith can give some a security blanket to feel like someone is on their side each and every day. This belief is understandable. I suppose when logic disappears and righteousness takes over, we see the negative aspects of faith.

The overall point is that religion is different for everyone whether you happen to be Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, non-believer or any of the the other possibilities. Specifically, faith needs to stay out of the government (policy making and/or used as a tool to define an individual), schools and should not be pushed on others. It should stay with the individual, in the private world they create.

The Joy of Books....

2007-08-06T20:00:00.000-05:00

I recently had a wonderful afternoon casually browsing the many books that I have read or would like to read, at a local bookstore. Now you may think that this is just any old bookstore, but it is not. It is in fact the best bookstore ever and simply but adequetely described by the name, "Half Priced Books". I suppose now would be a good time to mention that books are my one true love (not to be confused by my one true love of animal behavior). And since I mention my love of animal behavior, it just so happens that this subject can be reserached in books. Ahhh, what a beautiful world.

Anyway, I digress. This perusing of the bountiful books reminds me of the many memorable moments some how related or wrapped up to the tens if not hundreds of books I have read over the years. Books have been such a large part of my childhood, as well as my years since that I often forget where imagination ends and reality begins.

As I remember those mornings when I would be dropped off at the library, it's hard to explain the joy and freedom that someone of twelve can experience by merely walking into a library. And eventhough that was years ago, I must confess, to this day, I feel an excitement and overwhelming feeling every time I enter a library or bookstore. It as if the knowledge surrounds you and almost covers you like a blanket just waiting to tell the many stories dying to get out.

The funny thing is, that after reading so many books and having a vivid imagination, it is often sometimes hard to separate memories from scenes acted out in my imagination while reading one of my favorite books. Its almost as if the time in which you are immersed in their lives through words on the paper, you are truly that person, feeling and seeing what they feel and see. I suppose this reason alone makes me unable to relate to others that do not read often or at all. I am unable to comprehend why you would rather watch something than read something with so much more detail and feeling than one can possibly imagine.

So even now, I sit here and remember all those favorite books that I have read over and over again, remembering those moments where I felt triumph and sadness like my life was being played out before my eyes.

So when you ask what I would like to do, just remember, I could never feel more at home than I do in a bookstore or in a library with so much adventure and drama waiting to be explored with every page....

The nerd competiton?

2007-08-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say that I have always known that I was not quite in the 'cool' category. Although, I still think I was just misunderstood and possibly a late bloomer in the cool department...and yet, re-reading has made me thing that I could have possibly been wrong...

Our conversation seems to be a fight for the top spot in the nerd ratings...funny enough...I think I won this battle, but he seems to definitely be winning the war...'Him' it's all yours!!

HIM: I really enjoy your wit and smarts and various other "skills." You seem like a great person, despite your off the chart level of nerdiness...

ME: Thanks much...nice to see that you can hold your own....your wit is impressive. Despite nerdiness....what?.....maybe you should go back and look at your level...anyone with low levels would think you were speaking a foreign language...you should be grateful that someone understands you.....

HIM: Flattery will get you nowhere...If you don't stab yourself or others, email me back.

ME: I know you are the typical boy that gets all giggly over a compliment and runs home to write it in your diary. I see right through you buster....no fooling me....I'm in college remember....I know everything!! (mental note: Hey, I wonder if that's why no one likes me???).

HIM: Remember 2 things: everyone likes you (think positive) because you are a "special" person. Second, I haven't giggled in a long time...like 2 weeks - so there.

ME: OK..here at nerd camp...we strive to out due one nerdy event with the next. Last night tops the charts. To have a social gathering, we must make it an event. So how could we make nerd camp more nerdy? Well I am sure you came up with many ideas...but probably not has good as what took place. A ball you say....why yes we did have a ball. Now this wasn't just any ordinary ball, it was a costume ball. What? How could that be nerdy? Well, I'll tell you. This ball was not just an ordinary costume ball, it was an invertebrate costume ball....yep, you heard me right. We had to dress up as our favorite invertebrate (no vertebrates allowed at all) and then had a costume contest. Well our lab is more the partiers and not so much the costume type so we just all went as sea slugs and got it over with. We just needed to get into the door...we were not aiming for an prizes. Many many interesting things occurred last night. Anyway, I can honestly say that I was way, way out-nerded by these people. Don't get me wrong, I love science, but my god, these people need to get a hobby once and a while.

HIM: Wow - I think you just broke my nerd sensor. I need a moment to gather myself.
Oh, the nerdiness - a Sea Slug ball - where was the video camera and why am I not watching this on YouTube right now???!! I love how you try to make the distinction between the "other" nerds and yourself - I'm not buying it. I'm really amused by all the inter-partner drama, set against the international backdrop of reckless love - if Brazil and Germany can get together, then there is hope for the rest of the world!

ME: I thought you might enjoy that piece of news...as for the separating myself....yes...there different classes in one big category....because I said so...
The ball....well, it is a good thing that there were no video camera's...I might never live that one down if there had been. Thank god for small miracles. It was quite an amusing night. The talk is still at a heightened level here at nerd camp about the things seen at the ball. Oh, boy do we need lives....

HIM: Back to my nerdiness, unfortunately, I would be one the dancing nerds - I'm not much of a fast-tempo dancer - Slow dancing I'm great at (because there isn't much to do) - I learned how to waltz at one time - I'm such an old man...I'm going to get my walker now and watch Matlock.

ME: It might be hard for you to move around with that cane, old man...and luckily they ALWAYS play Matlock episodes....don't worry, well get you some Dr. Scholls inserts for comfort and tape up all your joints before you attempt anything so daring as dancing..

HIM: You know, you should be ashamed of yourself for not having at least 3 kids by now...you're setting back women's progress everywhere...

ME: First of all, I am only one woman trying to hold the world together...a little help would be nice...always first to point out the faults....but never willing to help a girl out...It's because I'm white isn't it?...damn! FYI, your clear lack of compassion of my situation makes baby Jesus cry-shame on you-

Furthermore, with the part of the population that is having the most kids, our children's children don't stand a chance of spelling their own name in the future...so there...don't think it will be all my fault...we'll be lucky if some will be able to spell democracy.....

HIM: By the way, Rambo 4 is on the way to theaters (I think in the fall/winter of this year). You see, we have to look at 80's action movies as symbolic of the time period in which they were made. For example, in Rambo 2 or 3 (they're pretty much the same movie), Rambo teams up with an upstart group of "freedom fighters" to fight the Soviets in Afghanistan. Rambo teaches them the art of fighting and blowing stuff up - Now, these same "freedom fighters" are the ones launching rockets at American and NATO soldiers today. Rambo was just boldly predicting the vicious cycle created by American foreign policy. Its' foreshadowing of our current global troubles is just staggering. Right? And this isn't a justification to support a movie where stuff gets "blowed up real good."

ME: Interesting connection you made with the Rambo movies and current politics/strategy. I see something here...maybe we should not release the next one...we might be giving to much away. Possibly a Rambo film where he makes cookies for all the orphans and nits afghans all day?? That should get those guys launching the shoulder missiles to relax for a while. "Blowed up real good" bad....nice new hats for the villagers good...

The abuse...and a history lesson?

2007-07-30T12:25:00.000-05:00

It is not often that I find someone that can write those sweet words to match my humor. But when I do, there is never a dull moment...

ME: Today was sort of productive. We are starting the new project and this is the hard part. Collecting data takes about one day but setting up takes about 8 or 9 very long and frustrating days of nothing. The odds are not in our favor at this very moment. The brain is small, the nerves are even smaller and the tips of our electrodes keep breaking...ahhhhhhh

HIM: I didn't realize the time you put in - is poking the brain for 7 hours common? Can you do this for a long time, then suddenly have brain activity (both you and the specimen...)? Can you use any of yesterday's work in your project? And yes, you are very "special" in my book. I've been trying to tell you that...

How was your Friday work? Success? Did you match wits with your animal? (You can tell me if the animal won...don't be ashamed.) And ego? A whole new area of material for me - can't wait...

ME: So, as it stands...animal 5....people 0. I am optimistic though...I think the animal will get to about 10. To make it more clear...yes, the sea slug is winning and looks like they might win the war as well as the battle. My wits are soooo lacking at this point in time..sniffle, sniffle....

HIM: Where to begin??? Ego, people laughing at you, therapy, beaten by animals - you're like the gift that keeps on giving...First, the cheap shot - Trust me, they won't be laughing at you because of your research. Anyway, I think perhaps you need some backup in your Sea Slug War - maybe get the military involved? We'll work on a proposal, something involving terrorism, freedom and instruments of mass destruction (electrodes and stressed out Ph.D. students?). I'll script a letter to Dick Cheney - maybe you should put a turban on your slugs - Wow, way off the subject...

I like the hypothetical approach to education - This is what "could have" happened...Very fun...you're starting to sound like a Humanities major...Rushing slugs - sounds like a band name...

ME: I think you might be right about getting the military involved...it is a necessary action...plus, I heard from a friend of a friend who has a brother and they know this guys uncle next door neighbors, second cousin twice removed by marriage, rides the bus with this guy that thinks he says that they had WMDs. It's time to bring in the forces and wipe Rhode Island off the map. I am pretty sure they are involved. Speaking of turbans....I am pretty sure I saw all the slugs getting to together doing chants and stuff. It looked pretty serious...I'll let you know more if they intend to fly..then we have a real issue. I would probably hold off on the letter to Dick Cheney though ...he only reads them if you mention oil and as it turns out...my oil well just dried up....I am no longer a powerful biologist... Even though I plan on saving all of human kind in the very near future...I am not an influential person at this very moment....White girls never get a break in this country...Damn!

HIM: I totally forgot about the oil connection - we may need to re-focus on animal excretions as fuel - it could be an untapped cash source - maybe that will bring the big guns in to invade - eventually, there could be a new American embassy with your name on it. I do have to call you out on playing the race card again - that will only get you so far - and it's not helping the country or Jesus, who is now crying....Good job, Whitey.

ME: I am ashamed that you forgot about the oil connection...I knew you were in with those people...I suspected you were only playing at being one of the 'others' but I see that you are one of those people always trying to take the little green spots left on this planet for your own use....admit it....I'm waiting!!!

Of course I am going to use the race card and ride that wave all the way in....hello....when you go through the hardships that I do just because I'm a woman and because I'm white, you would use it too... I can never get a cab to stop, everyone grabs onto their purse when I walk by and never, never will people give up their seat for me....this has to stop...oh the injustice (as she puts the back of her hand on her forehead)....

Now that you have suggested a band name, I am currently trying to get a band together. I figure with 2 Indians (dot not feathers) and American and possibly a Chinese, we should have a good shot at a record deal. Although, we still have one minor issue...none of play instruments!

HIM: I like your idea for an international band, but I do feel offended that you chose not to represent a Native American, or "feathers", as you casually labeled this proud race. I think on behalf of America and Jesus, you should issue an apology to all the Indians living and dead, especially those who fought and died in the Crusades...I'm horrified and shocked by your ignorance...

ME: Well being discriminated against white girl...I do not feel the need to make all the feathers feel better. They get everything in this country...free land and plenty of booze. Hell, they even have all the casino that they could want....so there! And by the way, Jesus says he understands. He also said that he does NOT talk to Bush and he thinks he needs to stop lying. He also said Cheney was drunk when he shot that guy and that someone needs to say something. And yes, he thinks the feather thing is funny....that's why he told them to put on in their head thing all those years ago. I agreed...it was a good one.

HIM: Remember, the natives didn't always have casinos. I think the first one opened in the 1600's - it was named after Abraham Lincoln, who freed the Natives from the English. But the white men always won at craps, so the Natives had to pray to Jesus, the God of chance, for help. But it didn't rain for months, so the casinos couldn't grow and many of the children died of AIDS. Perhaps you should devote more time to studying history and stop embarrassing yourself.

ME: I don't know what history books you are reading, but the ones that I read in school specifically lays out that Abraham Lincoln went to those casinos...actually the cherry tree was inside the lobby and that's why chopping it down was such a big deal...It was their favorite cherry tree and they used the cherries to make cocktails in the evening. Maybe should open up that history book again Mr. English major. Furthermore, it was the Eskimos that were oppressing the natives...they got sick of all the cold weather and were looking to take over their lands....big fight and then Lincoln came in and freed them....Duh! Why do you think that the Eskimos never smile in any of the pictures...they are still mad. Geez...teaching you is exhausting!

HIM: Do not challenge my history skills! How dare you?? I happen to be a Native Indian/Eskimo scholar. It just so happens that during the Revolutionary War in 1900, George Washington introduced the fruits of the cherry tree to the Eskimos, who then bartered with the French, specifically Napoleon and Custer, trading their cherries for lesser quality cherries. This is where the term custard pie originated, because the Eskimos kept rubbing the cherries on their faces in order to stay warm...The French gave the Indians turbans and small pox, and made them move to next to Pakistan, but everyone still made fun of the Eskimos' stained faces, which led to the creation of the Astrodome, which was a tribute to the Eskimos' igloos. But the joke was on the Eskimos, when they didn't play hockey there.

Damn Eskimos.

Pictures from my time here at FHL....

2007-07-11T17:36:00.000-05:00

A Storm is Coming....

Waiting for Class to begin (I'm obviously not happy about it)

Ozzy is giving us some sort of demonstration to her story.....

A Starfish on the ocean floor

One our fearless leaders

Another sea creature

Our wonderful view from the labs (if the day is clear)

One of the nights spent drinking to alleviate frustration....

An amazing view from the island...

The rainbow over the marina

Mt. Baker

Class Time

Drinking Time

From the Labs

The rainbow over the ferry

Again...making drinks

Enjoying the drinks...

Class time (I am riveted)

Brittle Sea Star

Baby seal left on the shore while the mom went out hunting

Baby Raccoon scavenging the food here at the labs

Whale watching at Limekiln...no whales seen!

Our labs again...

Dear Emma,

2007-07-10T23:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Emma,

Although you are only days old, I have started to dream for you. In the moments that you sleep, I dream of all that you will become. I make wish lists and plan the moments I hope will become some of your fondest memories. Above all, I dream you will have a life where you think nothing is missing. I have many hopes and dreams for you and wait for the future.

Emma, here are a few of my hopes for you.....

I hope you learn to laugh at yourself as much as possible
I hope you realize that life has many ups and downs and to dwell on the downs takes away from the ups
I hope you fall head over heals in love at least once and have something to look back on with a smile
I hope you travel to more countries than the one you were born in
I hope you experience a freedom that no other can describe to you
I hope you dance because it makes you feel happy
I hope you find something in this world that you truly feel makes you whole, that makes you want to get up each morning and leaves you with a sense of excitement every night
I hope you learn to listen to nature and respect all that it can give you
I hope you feel independent and that no obstacles can stand in your way
I hope you can sit alone in the evening and be content
I hope you appreciate the simple things in life
I hope you realize all the love and joy that animals can bring
I hope you learn that you life can hold so much more than what is in front of you
I hope you realize that your family will move heaven and earth to keep you safe...at all costs.

A Common Ground

2007-07-10T16:33:00.000-05:00

Upon first arriving at the labs here on the island, it all felt very intimidating. You find yourself surrounded by some of the smartest people you could ever want to meet and wonder how you will fit in during the time here. Later as we all gather into the room that will be our lecture hall, we all stare at the others so different from ourselves. As we go around the room and meet fellow graduate students from around the world, you again wonder where you fit with all these people surrounding you. We take turns discussing our research, trying to explain in a way that everyone understands, while still showing how complex our daily lives are in our research areas. As we all sit and listen, a respect for all the others is apparent. We all understand that we come from different worlds but have a common interest. At this moment, we all anxiously await the knowledge we will gain from this course which describes the mechanism underlying how the central nervous system controls natural movements. We are all excited, but at the same exact time, scared that we will not measure up, with each feeling pulling strongly in the opposite direction. We all admit in hushed tones that the first feelings of unease passes quickly once we grasp those things we thought we didn't know. In actuality, the material is just an extension of the information you have already gotten and stored away for just this very circumstance.

The daily ritual of lectures and lab research turns each day into an adventure...sometimes allowing for a structured pattern. But on most days, this new area sends you to find answers to questions you have never asked before. The initial excitement, you are excited to report, never really diminishes from day to day.

An added bonus is the time spent with the other graduate students. You find that you have many of the same questions and interests from people around the world and discussing these topics becomes a highlight of this trip.

Time passes in the matter of weeks. You now find yourself at the 5th and final week of your adventure. Already looking back to the beginning of your journey, you have remembered so many great moments that you would love to remember for the future.

As we all gather in the bar on one of our final evenings here, we raise our glasses to a memorable 5 weeks and the laughs, as well as frustration, that we have shared day in and day out....To the 2007 summer class at FHL!

New Addition to the Family...

2007-07-10T15:38:00.000-05:00

Our family is happy to announce the addition of my little sister's new baby girl, Emma Ann Peck. Sarah & Jeremy married earlier this year and little Emma is the first niece of the family and will be spoiled due to this very reason. She arrived in the world on June 27 at 3:33pm and gave her mom a very non-intense labor. If fact...it really does happen like it's seen in the movies....45 minutes of pushing and here comes baby!

We are all very excited about the new addition, and I now have to focus on not calling it "it" and refer to it as "her". Concentrating very hard on this new task.

I have attached some pictures of my niece and goddaughter for all to see....

Friday Harbor Laboratories Research

2007-06-27T15:51:00.000-05:00

At this moment in time I sit on an island off the coast of Washington. The weather is gorgeous and the landscape makes you never want to leave. It is rounding week 3 of my 5 week course here. I can honestly say I have never been in a course so intensive, yet enjoyable at the same time. Do not misunderstand me....the work is frustrating most moments of the day, with 9 days of constant working and no data to show for the time. But honestly, I have learned more in one day here...than I could have learned in 6 months on my own.

The enriching part of this whole experience is the many different people from all around the world. We are a class of 11 and only three of these people are Americans (myself included). It is this that makes the experience even more enjoyable. I have learned new words, drinks and dances from countries all around the world. I must confess that the English-other language barrier becomes frustrating but humorous in many of those moments.

Below I show a few photos:

The class

The research station

The interesting creature I am currently dissecting

Below is an amazing detailed picture of the sea slug brain with suction electrodes attached en passant to gain electrophysiology readings of activity. What you are seeing is the 4 lobes of the brain that are fused together. The nerve in the suction electrode is responsible for foot movement during chemosensory information integration.

Stand...Video (Rascal Flatts)

2007-06-27T13:59:00.000-05:00

Rascal Flatts Stand

Music Videos And Lyrics On Demand

This is a song that I find myself drawn to time and time again. It seems to say those things that I feel in many particular moments...enjoy!

A Victim of Domestic Violence...

2007-06-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

I do not often cry victim. However, there are times when everyone is assaulted by another for something that they apparently are guilty of doing. In many cases this is due to one simply getting their feeling hurt and lashing out at another. As though they feel this may be appropriate, it is not. Here is my story. First and foremost, I do not wish anyone to be angry at the man in my life. He felt neglected and hurt and lashed out in an inappropriate manner. I am trying to understand. Many of you may be baffled as to why I would share this story. I do not wish you to pass judgement, possibly just be aware of your actions in the future as I now am.

The incident occurred two weeks ago on a Thursday night. I had been out drinking with a friend of mine since I had had a bad day. As anyone does, I drowned my boy sorrows in the buy one, get one free margarita night here in town. For many, those two drinks would be enough...it was not the case for me on this particular night. I decided to take the nice waiter up on another round of drinks. The only thing better than two for one is four for two. The math is simple. Well, the night wore on and we talked about nothing important. We discussed all issues from politics to the lack of everything we decided to harp on, as many of those drunken nights go.

After many hours of talking we decided to pack it in and call it a night. I slowly stood up and gathered my things...did my best to locate the car (I obviously was not driving) and she dropped me off at my door.

I enter my apartment and say hello to my significant other...hoping the dramatics won't start again tonight. Lately I have been neglectful. I have been spending a lot of time outside of the apartment at school and with my friends. I realize my error in not being more considerate...I do acknowledge my part in the 'incident'.

I say hello, he is moody. The whining begins, the tantrums are what I expected and I feel guilt. This is the normal progression these days. He has a right to his feelings. If only we had worked through the issues before the escalation. I tried to devote some time in my drunken state and thought I was making progress but as with any good story there is a plot twist. The phone rang.

Most in this situation would have left the phone to fix the problems. I on the other hand answered the call and proceeded to have a very lengthy conversation. This is where I made my mistake.

I sat on the love seat, my head at the corner talking on the phone all lights off concentrating on putting two sentences together. It was at this moment that I felt the most blinding, earth-shattering pain in my forehead that I have ever felt. I was literally made sick to my stomach within seconds and felt my head for the gushing wound I expected to find. Luckily I did not find a wound, but I did feel a squishy knot the size of an egg on my forehead by my hair line. I started to panic....it felt bad and the headache was making me dizzy.

It took a few moments to locate the object used in the attack. I found that the vase weighing about 8 lbs was dropped from a height of about 5 feet onto my head. My first concern was a concussion, but I do not believe it was that bad. I honestly never thought I would say this, but I am glad that I was that intoxicated or that would have really hurt.

Many probably assume that we parted ways after this incident. I must say that I stayed to try and work it out. No words of apology have been muttered since that night. We have tried to continue our life and fix the problems, but I feel the tension in the bed at night. In the two weeks, the bump has receded to a smaller bump and the markings from the vase have disappeared. Our relationship is rocky and tense on most evenings. I feel that much of this is my fault and try to be a better person to him. He needs me. I should be better.

So my point is to explain first the large bump on my head and second that 8 lb vases can really hurt.

And to show that I still love my significant other I am showing a picture as a sign of my commitment in light of this incident....